Day by Day

Today I am feeling a little down, but I am trying to keep the faith. I wish that I could turn back time to before I got depressed and that I knew everything I know today. I know that I have a lot of good things going in my life. But, at this moment, the most important piece is missing. I am so sad that JP and I have flipped to opposite sides. I am so sure of my love for him... and he is doubting whether he ever really loved me -- or at least whether he ever really felt that we were meant to be together. After all the things he said to me... all the emails he wrote to me when we were apart... I have read them and reread them and I am just at a loss.

He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.

Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.

I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.

Three months

I can't believe that in less than three months I will be the mother of not one, but two little girls. I am reminded of this daily as I tell my patients at work that I may miss their child's next appointment, but will be back for the one following that one. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I was pregnant with Katelyn it was amazing that for a woman who had always wanted to be a mother, I was scared to death that I wouldn't be "good" at it. Then when she was born, my love for her just overwhelmed me at times. I remember crying happy tears because of it. And although she was colicky and spent hours crying, I would never have traded her for the world. And now that I am pregnant again I am again left feeling nervous that while I never pictured myself as a mother of an only child, I am not sure how to balance two little ones and be sure that I give them both the attention they deserve. At the same time, I can't wait to see this baby and hold her in my arms.

I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.

This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.

I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.

Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.

Keeping the Faith

I know that I have been horrible about updating my blog. I will try to do better, but life always seems to get in the way.

The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)

I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...

As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.

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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.

What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)

A New Baby

What a crazy few months it has been. I have been a little off and just not feeling myself, so I apologize for the lack of writing. Not that anyone reads my blog... besides the occasional family.

So, I spent Katelyn's birthday feeling a little sad that she was already three years old and I was not married and had not given her a sibling as of yet. That night I fell asleep when I layed down with her. It happened again the next day. And then again on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got off early from work and went to lunch. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was so tired... I hadn't felt this tired since... uh oh (I was pregnant with Katelyn). And, I was late... a week late. So, just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. Immediately there were two lines. I hadn't even looked at the box to see if there were supposed to be two lines or a plus or minus sign. So, I went out of the bathroom to check the box. And, it was clear... I was pregnant. I was in a panic. I cried, called my boyfriend to tell him the news and then called my friend Angi who I knew would be able to calm me down. It worked. My due date based on my LMP was October 8. A week later I was sick as a dog. It was all coming back to me. The morning, noon and night sickness lasted until about 15 weeks. I am feeling much better now, except for the fatigue. And the occasional insomnia (new - never had this with Katelyn).

Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I was beginning to have some fears about my relationship prior to the discovery that I was expecting a new baby. I, of course, have a lot of guilt over having gotten divorced and leaving Katelyn to spend time with her parents always apart. And now I have to make the decision about what to do for both of my kids. My girls -- yes, I had an u/s on Wednesday and it was revealed that I will be having another little princess. I can't fully put into words what is wrong. I just don't feel the same. Mostly, there is something missing for me. He is a great guy. A wonderful father. But, I am not sure he is the one for me. And I feel like a horrible person. I have felt so alone in all of this. I am living in a new city, working at yet another job I hate and have no friends here to talk things over with in person. I have been feeling depressed. And, I know that this is not me. I was feeling pretty good while I was in Florida. I was occasionally down and often stressed, but overall optimistic about our future. Now, I am at a crossroads and I am feeling very lost.

I am praying hard about what to do. I am hoping for a sign. But I am sure that the answer is inside of me already. I need to listen to my inner voice... for once. Follow my gut and my heart. I want to be a good mother... a wonderful mother, and to raise happy, loving daughters who can grow into adults with healthy relationships... unlike their mother. I love my daughter now with all of my heart. I know that she knows she is loved. I hope that this new little girl knows how much she is loved as well... because I already do with all of my heart.

Letter To My Baby Girl

Dearest Katelyn,

Tomorrow is your 3rd birthday. I remember like it was yesterday the anticipation I felt on the eve of your birth. I knew that February 2nd was the day because I was being induced for my blood pressure and because you were getting to be a big baby for my tummy. Little did any of us know that you were going to be as big as you were (8 pounds 10 ounces and 21.5 inches long). So, that night of the 1st I was nervous and excited and could hardly sleep a wink. I woke up early and called the hospital to be sure that they were ready for us, and they were, so we were on our way. It was a long day, but finally at 10:59 pm you were born. You were perfect. I was in awe of how beautiful you were, and I cried as I held you and thanked God that you were healthy. It was truly love at first sight. I was so happy to be your mommy. You, my love, are my wish come true!

I hope that you remember all the special moments that we share... our "nosey kisses," your bedtime routine of snuggling in bed every night as I read to you and sing lullabies, taking bubble baths together, playing dress up, having tea parties and picnics in the backyard, trips to the park, the perfect day we had at the beach, our trips to the zoo and the museum, playing with your snap-n-dolls and coloring with markers, cooking in your kitchen and playing with mister Potato Head and all the other simple pleasures. I hope that someday you know that I worked hard for us and that you don't resent me for it. And I hope you know that there isn't a moment in my life that I don't wish I could be spending with you.

I love you when you are happy and especially love the way you giggle which just captures your personality. I love you when you are grumpy... you are just so expressive and sometimes I just want to laugh, but I want you to know that I respect your right to be grumpy. I even love you when you are throwing a fit, although I must say that it can be exhausting... but I know that it is your way of coming into your own as a little girl. I love you when you are silly, like when you dance around the house without any clothes singing, "naked, naked, naked!" You just bring so much joy to my life. I cannot imagine my life without you.

I am sorry that your daddy and I don't live together anymore, but I want you to know that you were wanted, that we were in love once and I will always love your daddy... mostly because he gave me the greatest gift... you!

Happy Birthday, Baby girl!!

All my love,

Mommy

New Years 2009

Wow... it is a new year: 2009. That means I graduated college almost 10 years ago. I can hardly believe it. I don't feel like I am getting that much older... okay, maybe I feel like I am getting older.

The past year was a rough one. I started off the new year as a single mom with no family in the town in which I was living. I did have in-laws a few hours away, but none that could really help out much with Katelyn due to their own work and families. I did enjoy seeing them in Orlando on a regular basis, but I was missing my mom. I was also working at a job in which I was not happy. I became a little happier when I moved to a new office and was not in the middle of drama on a regular basis. But, I was away from Katelyn more than I wanted to be and on call A LOT more than I would have wanted. Then, when April came I realized that in 366 days, Katelyn had seen her daddy on only 38 of them... and some of those days were for a few hours. So, I made some big decisions. I applied for an Ohio license and started a job search. I finally settled on a job in a town in the middle of my home town and the city where my ex-husband lives. I started the job a few months ago and it has been a rocky start. Unfortunately, I do not see it getting any better. So, after a few short months I am likely to cut my losses again and move on. No sense in staying if I am going to be miserable and feel a part of something that I am truly against. It is a business... which is not at all what I want to be a part of. I want to be a doctor. Yes, I want to make a living. But, I do not need to be rich. I will be perfectly happy having a middle class life. If I wanted more money, I would not be a pediatrician. I will wait for the right time or see if they let me go. I know they are waiting for me to quit. But, I will find my way.

The best thing that happened to me this year was that I fell in love. It is crazy and not rational or smart, but I can't help it. I know that this year for him will be one crazy ride since his divorce is not final and there are a lot of things to work out before it can be. If I were smart, I would never have gotten involved. But, who ever said that I was smart :) Now, in case you are reading this post w/o having read the previous, he was separated when we met and so I did not get involved with a married man (or not exactly). Maybe we will ring in 2010 with nothing but happiness and peace and the stress will be behind us. I will find the right job for me and he will be free to move on completely and without reservation. Until then, I will sit back, hold on and try my best to enjoy the ride.

Happy New Year to you, and may 2009 bring you love, happiness, health and good fortune! God Bless!!