Keeping the Faith

I know that I have been horrible about updating my blog. I will try to do better, but life always seems to get in the way.

The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)

I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...

As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.

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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.

What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)