Day by Day

Today I am feeling a little down, but I am trying to keep the faith. I wish that I could turn back time to before I got depressed and that I knew everything I know today. I know that I have a lot of good things going in my life. But, at this moment, the most important piece is missing. I am so sad that JP and I have flipped to opposite sides. I am so sure of my love for him... and he is doubting whether he ever really loved me -- or at least whether he ever really felt that we were meant to be together. After all the things he said to me... all the emails he wrote to me when we were apart... I have read them and reread them and I am just at a loss.

He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.

Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.

I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.