Three months

I can't believe that in less than three months I will be the mother of not one, but two little girls. I am reminded of this daily as I tell my patients at work that I may miss their child's next appointment, but will be back for the one following that one. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I was pregnant with Katelyn it was amazing that for a woman who had always wanted to be a mother, I was scared to death that I wouldn't be "good" at it. Then when she was born, my love for her just overwhelmed me at times. I remember crying happy tears because of it. And although she was colicky and spent hours crying, I would never have traded her for the world. And now that I am pregnant again I am again left feeling nervous that while I never pictured myself as a mother of an only child, I am not sure how to balance two little ones and be sure that I give them both the attention they deserve. At the same time, I can't wait to see this baby and hold her in my arms.

I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.

This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.

I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.

Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.