A little down

I have not been as good at posting as I would like to be. I have been super busy trying to balance work and single motherhood. I never thought I would be in this position. I wanted to get married, have babies, work part time. I realize that there were multiple issues with my marriage. Some mine, some his. I thought we would work it out. But he quit. And when someone tells me they quit, I know in my heart I will never trust them again. And since that time I have forgiven him. I have continued to say only positive things about him to our daughter. But he often disappoints me. He doesn't visit her as often as he should. When he does visit, he often goes out with his friends too (and gets drunk), which makes me crazy when I am paying for half of his ticket to visit. And it is not that I didn't want him to move on and be happy. But I am really concerned that in finding someone who is YOUNG and still doing the wild nights of partying, he will never grow up and be the father that I hoped he would be. At least not for Katelyn. It makes me sad. I want to believe that if I move back to Cincinnati so that she can see him more regularly, he will be responsible. But I am scared to death of what could happen if he doesn't. And I don't want him to disappoint her. That would break my heart. I want whomever becomes her step-mother to care about her, but not try to be her mother. I want to find someone to be my life-long partner, someone who will be another father figure, but not someone to be her father. I am surprised (and a little embarrassed) that I am so affected by his having a girlfriend. I guess in part it is how I found out. And when he does things like give Katelyn a birthday present from his GF and not tell her (or me) who it is from, and take a picture by the Christmas tree of the three of them like they are a family. I feel guilty, b/c I know so many others have a much bigger reason to be sad. I suppose you could even say I did this to myself, b/c I had my doubts from the beginning (there were signs). And for the first year I was doing fine. Why a year later is it really hitting me?

Sorry for the negative post. Guess that is why I haven't posted some days. I will try to be more uplifting in the future and to update more frequently.