Day by Day

Today I am feeling a little down, but I am trying to keep the faith. I wish that I could turn back time to before I got depressed and that I knew everything I know today. I know that I have a lot of good things going in my life. But, at this moment, the most important piece is missing. I am so sad that JP and I have flipped to opposite sides. I am so sure of my love for him... and he is doubting whether he ever really loved me -- or at least whether he ever really felt that we were meant to be together. After all the things he said to me... all the emails he wrote to me when we were apart... I have read them and reread them and I am just at a loss.

He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.

Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.

I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.

Three months

I can't believe that in less than three months I will be the mother of not one, but two little girls. I am reminded of this daily as I tell my patients at work that I may miss their child's next appointment, but will be back for the one following that one. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I was pregnant with Katelyn it was amazing that for a woman who had always wanted to be a mother, I was scared to death that I wouldn't be "good" at it. Then when she was born, my love for her just overwhelmed me at times. I remember crying happy tears because of it. And although she was colicky and spent hours crying, I would never have traded her for the world. And now that I am pregnant again I am again left feeling nervous that while I never pictured myself as a mother of an only child, I am not sure how to balance two little ones and be sure that I give them both the attention they deserve. At the same time, I can't wait to see this baby and hold her in my arms.

I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.

This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.

I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.

Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.

Keeping the Faith

I know that I have been horrible about updating my blog. I will try to do better, but life always seems to get in the way.

The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)

I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...

As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.

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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.

What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)