I can't believe that nearly an entire year has come and went w/o a single post on my blog. Well, I will try to do better (at least once a week:) A summary of my year would be... struggled to keep the man I loved and lost - dumped for another woman 4 days before I was due to be induced... had a beautiful baby girl, Isabella Ann on October 2, 2009 weighing it at 7lb 4oz and 19 3/4 in long... moved to MI... quit my job in Columbus... living on savings... no child support for baby girl... went on interviews... reconnected with an old friend and fell in love... moved to Lima... started a new job with people that I really enjoy working with... still struggle much of the time to "do it all"... took a vacation to CA that was not what it should have been... relationship up and down... boyfriend left for active duty in the coast guard due to oil spill... never to be heard from... regrouping and prepared for whatever... Isabella nearly 9 mos old... baptised last weekend... wishing she would sleep all night like she used to... has seen her "daddy" for the equivalent of 2 days in her entire life... still waiting for his decision on what he wants to do... ah, life, ain't it grand?
But, surprisingly, as much as I struggle at times, I have a sense of peace about my future. I love my girls with my whole heart. I have received the wake up call I needed over the past year to do what I need to do for me. I love what I do even when it makes me crazy. I get more time with my girls that I would have in my previous job, as I work 3 12 hour days and have 2 days off per week. We are going to VA this weekend and it will mark just over a year from my last visit and the time my life spiralled out of control. A new start and more simple pleasures! I can't wait :)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Day by Day
Today I am feeling a little down, but I am trying to keep the faith. I wish that I could turn back time to before I got depressed and that I knew everything I know today. I know that I have a lot of good things going in my life. But, at this moment, the most important piece is missing. I am so sad that JP and I have flipped to opposite sides. I am so sure of my love for him... and he is doubting whether he ever really loved me -- or at least whether he ever really felt that we were meant to be together. After all the things he said to me... all the emails he wrote to me when we were apart... I have read them and reread them and I am just at a loss.
He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.
Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.
I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.
He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.
Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.
I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Three months
I can't believe that in less than three months I will be the mother of not one, but two little girls. I am reminded of this daily as I tell my patients at work that I may miss their child's next appointment, but will be back for the one following that one. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I was pregnant with Katelyn it was amazing that for a woman who had always wanted to be a mother, I was scared to death that I wouldn't be "good" at it. Then when she was born, my love for her just overwhelmed me at times. I remember crying happy tears because of it. And although she was colicky and spent hours crying, I would never have traded her for the world. And now that I am pregnant again I am again left feeling nervous that while I never pictured myself as a mother of an only child, I am not sure how to balance two little ones and be sure that I give them both the attention they deserve. At the same time, I can't wait to see this baby and hold her in my arms.
I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.
This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.
I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.
Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.
I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.
This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.
I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.
Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Keeping the Faith
I know that I have been horrible about updating my blog. I will try to do better, but life always seems to get in the way.
The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)
I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...
As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.
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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.
What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)
The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)
I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...
As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.
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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.
What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A New Baby
What a crazy few months it has been. I have been a little off and just not feeling myself, so I apologize for the lack of writing. Not that anyone reads my blog... besides the occasional family.
So, I spent Katelyn's birthday feeling a little sad that she was already three years old and I was not married and had not given her a sibling as of yet. That night I fell asleep when I layed down with her. It happened again the next day. And then again on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got off early from work and went to lunch. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was so tired... I hadn't felt this tired since... uh oh (I was pregnant with Katelyn). And, I was late... a week late. So, just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. Immediately there were two lines. I hadn't even looked at the box to see if there were supposed to be two lines or a plus or minus sign. So, I went out of the bathroom to check the box. And, it was clear... I was pregnant. I was in a panic. I cried, called my boyfriend to tell him the news and then called my friend Angi who I knew would be able to calm me down. It worked. My due date based on my LMP was October 8. A week later I was sick as a dog. It was all coming back to me. The morning, noon and night sickness lasted until about 15 weeks. I am feeling much better now, except for the fatigue. And the occasional insomnia (new - never had this with Katelyn).
Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I was beginning to have some fears about my relationship prior to the discovery that I was expecting a new baby. I, of course, have a lot of guilt over having gotten divorced and leaving Katelyn to spend time with her parents always apart. And now I have to make the decision about what to do for both of my kids. My girls -- yes, I had an u/s on Wednesday and it was revealed that I will be having another little princess. I can't fully put into words what is wrong. I just don't feel the same. Mostly, there is something missing for me. He is a great guy. A wonderful father. But, I am not sure he is the one for me. And I feel like a horrible person. I have felt so alone in all of this. I am living in a new city, working at yet another job I hate and have no friends here to talk things over with in person. I have been feeling depressed. And, I know that this is not me. I was feeling pretty good while I was in Florida. I was occasionally down and often stressed, but overall optimistic about our future. Now, I am at a crossroads and I am feeling very lost.
I am praying hard about what to do. I am hoping for a sign. But I am sure that the answer is inside of me already. I need to listen to my inner voice... for once. Follow my gut and my heart. I want to be a good mother... a wonderful mother, and to raise happy, loving daughters who can grow into adults with healthy relationships... unlike their mother. I love my daughter now with all of my heart. I know that she knows she is loved. I hope that this new little girl knows how much she is loved as well... because I already do with all of my heart.
So, I spent Katelyn's birthday feeling a little sad that she was already three years old and I was not married and had not given her a sibling as of yet. That night I fell asleep when I layed down with her. It happened again the next day. And then again on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got off early from work and went to lunch. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was so tired... I hadn't felt this tired since... uh oh (I was pregnant with Katelyn). And, I was late... a week late. So, just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. Immediately there were two lines. I hadn't even looked at the box to see if there were supposed to be two lines or a plus or minus sign. So, I went out of the bathroom to check the box. And, it was clear... I was pregnant. I was in a panic. I cried, called my boyfriend to tell him the news and then called my friend Angi who I knew would be able to calm me down. It worked. My due date based on my LMP was October 8. A week later I was sick as a dog. It was all coming back to me. The morning, noon and night sickness lasted until about 15 weeks. I am feeling much better now, except for the fatigue. And the occasional insomnia (new - never had this with Katelyn).
Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I was beginning to have some fears about my relationship prior to the discovery that I was expecting a new baby. I, of course, have a lot of guilt over having gotten divorced and leaving Katelyn to spend time with her parents always apart. And now I have to make the decision about what to do for both of my kids. My girls -- yes, I had an u/s on Wednesday and it was revealed that I will be having another little princess. I can't fully put into words what is wrong. I just don't feel the same. Mostly, there is something missing for me. He is a great guy. A wonderful father. But, I am not sure he is the one for me. And I feel like a horrible person. I have felt so alone in all of this. I am living in a new city, working at yet another job I hate and have no friends here to talk things over with in person. I have been feeling depressed. And, I know that this is not me. I was feeling pretty good while I was in Florida. I was occasionally down and often stressed, but overall optimistic about our future. Now, I am at a crossroads and I am feeling very lost.
I am praying hard about what to do. I am hoping for a sign. But I am sure that the answer is inside of me already. I need to listen to my inner voice... for once. Follow my gut and my heart. I want to be a good mother... a wonderful mother, and to raise happy, loving daughters who can grow into adults with healthy relationships... unlike their mother. I love my daughter now with all of my heart. I know that she knows she is loved. I hope that this new little girl knows how much she is loved as well... because I already do with all of my heart.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Letter To My Baby Girl
Dearest Katelyn,
Tomorrow is your 3rd birthday. I remember like it was yesterday the anticipation I felt on the eve of your birth. I knew that February 2nd was the day because I was being induced for my blood pressure and because you were getting to be a big baby for my tummy. Little did any of us know that you were going to be as big as you were (8 pounds 10 ounces and 21.5 inches long). So, that night of the 1st I was nervous and excited and could hardly sleep a wink. I woke up early and called the hospital to be sure that they were ready for us, and they were, so we were on our way. It was a long day, but finally at 10:59 pm you were born. You were perfect. I was in awe of how beautiful you were, and I cried as I held you and thanked God that you were healthy. It was truly love at first sight. I was so happy to be your mommy. You, my love, are my wish come true!
I hope that you remember all the special moments that we share... our "nosey kisses," your bedtime routine of snuggling in bed every night as I read to you and sing lullabies, taking bubble baths together, playing dress up, having tea parties and picnics in the backyard, trips to the park, the perfect day we had at the beach, our trips to the zoo and the museum, playing with your snap-n-dolls and coloring with markers, cooking in your kitchen and playing with mister Potato Head and all the other simple pleasures. I hope that someday you know that I worked hard for us and that you don't resent me for it. And I hope you know that there isn't a moment in my life that I don't wish I could be spending with you.
I love you when you are happy and especially love the way you giggle which just captures your personality. I love you when you are grumpy... you are just so expressive and sometimes I just want to laugh, but I want you to know that I respect your right to be grumpy. I even love you when you are throwing a fit, although I must say that it can be exhausting... but I know that it is your way of coming into your own as a little girl. I love you when you are silly, like when you dance around the house without any clothes singing, "naked, naked, naked!" You just bring so much joy to my life. I cannot imagine my life without you.
I am sorry that your daddy and I don't live together anymore, but I want you to know that you were wanted, that we were in love once and I will always love your daddy... mostly because he gave me the greatest gift... you!
Happy Birthday, Baby girl!!
All my love,
Mommy
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Years 2009
Wow... it is a new year: 2009. That means I graduated college almost 10 years ago. I can hardly believe it. I don't feel like I am getting that much older... okay, maybe I feel like I am getting older.
The past year was a rough one. I started off the new year as a single mom with no family in the town in which I was living. I did have in-laws a few hours away, but none that could really help out much with Katelyn due to their own work and families. I did enjoy seeing them in Orlando on a regular basis, but I was missing my mom. I was also working at a job in which I was not happy. I became a little happier when I moved to a new office and was not in the middle of drama on a regular basis. But, I was away from Katelyn more than I wanted to be and on call A LOT more than I would have wanted. Then, when April came I realized that in 366 days, Katelyn had seen her daddy on only 38 of them... and some of those days were for a few hours. So, I made some big decisions. I applied for an Ohio license and started a job search. I finally settled on a job in a town in the middle of my home town and the city where my ex-husband lives. I started the job a few months ago and it has been a rocky start. Unfortunately, I do not see it getting any better. So, after a few short months I am likely to cut my losses again and move on. No sense in staying if I am going to be miserable and feel a part of something that I am truly against. It is a business... which is not at all what I want to be a part of. I want to be a doctor. Yes, I want to make a living. But, I do not need to be rich. I will be perfectly happy having a middle class life. If I wanted more money, I would not be a pediatrician. I will wait for the right time or see if they let me go. I know they are waiting for me to quit. But, I will find my way.
The best thing that happened to me this year was that I fell in love. It is crazy and not rational or smart, but I can't help it. I know that this year for him will be one crazy ride since his divorce is not final and there are a lot of things to work out before it can be. If I were smart, I would never have gotten involved. But, who ever said that I was smart :) Now, in case you are reading this post w/o having read the previous, he was separated when we met and so I did not get involved with a married man (or not exactly). Maybe we will ring in 2010 with nothing but happiness and peace and the stress will be behind us. I will find the right job for me and he will be free to move on completely and without reservation. Until then, I will sit back, hold on and try my best to enjoy the ride.
Happy New Year to you, and may 2009 bring you love, happiness, health and good fortune! God Bless!!
The past year was a rough one. I started off the new year as a single mom with no family in the town in which I was living. I did have in-laws a few hours away, but none that could really help out much with Katelyn due to their own work and families. I did enjoy seeing them in Orlando on a regular basis, but I was missing my mom. I was also working at a job in which I was not happy. I became a little happier when I moved to a new office and was not in the middle of drama on a regular basis. But, I was away from Katelyn more than I wanted to be and on call A LOT more than I would have wanted. Then, when April came I realized that in 366 days, Katelyn had seen her daddy on only 38 of them... and some of those days were for a few hours. So, I made some big decisions. I applied for an Ohio license and started a job search. I finally settled on a job in a town in the middle of my home town and the city where my ex-husband lives. I started the job a few months ago and it has been a rocky start. Unfortunately, I do not see it getting any better. So, after a few short months I am likely to cut my losses again and move on. No sense in staying if I am going to be miserable and feel a part of something that I am truly against. It is a business... which is not at all what I want to be a part of. I want to be a doctor. Yes, I want to make a living. But, I do not need to be rich. I will be perfectly happy having a middle class life. If I wanted more money, I would not be a pediatrician. I will wait for the right time or see if they let me go. I know they are waiting for me to quit. But, I will find my way.
The best thing that happened to me this year was that I fell in love. It is crazy and not rational or smart, but I can't help it. I know that this year for him will be one crazy ride since his divorce is not final and there are a lot of things to work out before it can be. If I were smart, I would never have gotten involved. But, who ever said that I was smart :) Now, in case you are reading this post w/o having read the previous, he was separated when we met and so I did not get involved with a married man (or not exactly). Maybe we will ring in 2010 with nothing but happiness and peace and the stress will be behind us. I will find the right job for me and he will be free to move on completely and without reservation. Until then, I will sit back, hold on and try my best to enjoy the ride.
Happy New Year to you, and may 2009 bring you love, happiness, health and good fortune! God Bless!!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
The holiday turned into a special day. I spent the day lounging around with my boyfriend... slept in since we had no children needing attention... ate breakfast, watched a movie ("Love Actually") and all around had a wonderful day. Lots of much needed rest, relaxation and quality time:)
I did miss my baby girl like crazy as it is the first Christmas that I have not had her with me. The pics are all from last Sunday at my mom's house. I also missed my sister and my mom (most holidays have been spent with one or another of them). But it is okay.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Countdown to Christmas
Well, I am nearly ready for Christmas. That is to say that I am shopped out and there are many presents under the tree from mommy this year. They are there early as we are celebrating the holiday tomorrow. Katelyn is way excited. But, she knows that Santa will be coming to daddy's house this year. It will be my first Christmas without her with me. I am a little sad about it, but trying to keep perspective. And, I will be spending the holiday with Justin and not alone. We will actually spend a few hours with his sons before they go back to their mom's house.
I have a few things left to get, but the lines were getting a bit ridiculous today. I actually had to get in a line at Victoria's secret so that the people who work there could then put me in another line. And, when I went to pick up earrings at the jeweler (which they called my mom to let her know they were ready and to come get them), I had to stand in line and then they took my name and I had to wait again until they called me to get back in line to get the earrings. What??? It was absurd. Finally, the best was when it took me nearly an hour (seriously took 45 minutes) to turn out of the mall, make another right turn and get one block past the mall. I realize that it is Christmas... but come on, people... learn how to drive!
I did get to briefly talk to my friend Angi -- three of her four children have caught the chicken pox. Thankfully two of them are on the mend. Hopefully the baby will feel better soon.
When I got home we made some cut out cookies. I will leave you with a picture of Katelyn helping:
I have a few things left to get, but the lines were getting a bit ridiculous today. I actually had to get in a line at Victoria's secret so that the people who work there could then put me in another line. And, when I went to pick up earrings at the jeweler (which they called my mom to let her know they were ready and to come get them), I had to stand in line and then they took my name and I had to wait again until they called me to get back in line to get the earrings. What??? It was absurd. Finally, the best was when it took me nearly an hour (seriously took 45 minutes) to turn out of the mall, make another right turn and get one block past the mall. I realize that it is Christmas... but come on, people... learn how to drive!
I did get to briefly talk to my friend Angi -- three of her four children have caught the chicken pox. Thankfully two of them are on the mend. Hopefully the baby will feel better soon.
When I got home we made some cut out cookies. I will leave you with a picture of Katelyn helping:
Friday, December 5, 2008
L-O-V-E
As, I have (again) neglected my poor blog for some time (winter is crazy for a pediatrician), I need to catch up. So, my "mystery guy" is out in the open. His (soon to be ex) wife and my ex-husband are aware of our relationship. And, a few weeks ago I met his sons and they met my daughter. His oldest, Luke, is very sweet and seems to love Katelyn. His little one, Will, is a little more standoffish. I think he is mostly a little jealous of Katelyn... he is the baby and not used to anyone smaller getting attention. I can't get a read on how he feels about me. I am aware that I need to take it very slow with him and let him warm up to the idea. I am sure that it is in part the age and the fact that he was likely not as aware as Luke of the problems between his parents and at that age there is always a fantasy of one's parents reuniting. I, obviously, would be a roadblock to that happening. In theory I knew this... but in reality, it is a little difficult. But I hope that one day he sees the love that I share with his daddy and he lets me in a little.
And, yes... I said it. I am head over heels in love with this guy. True, we met a short time ago... but, I have not felt this way in a very long time. In fact, I thought that I had missed my opportunity to be with my soul mate. I hoped and believed that you could have more than one in a lifetime, but wondered if I would ever find it again. Well, I truly believe that I have. And, just as so many people have said, I found it when I wasn't really looking for it. I was online thinking that I would meet some people in this new town, go out to dinners and get to know the city... but on my first date after boards I just knew that it was so much more. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. I know that there will be many ups and downs... but I believe that my "happily ever after" starts today. And I can't stop smiling about it!
And, yes... I said it. I am head over heels in love with this guy. True, we met a short time ago... but, I have not felt this way in a very long time. In fact, I thought that I had missed my opportunity to be with my soul mate. I hoped and believed that you could have more than one in a lifetime, but wondered if I would ever find it again. Well, I truly believe that I have. And, just as so many people have said, I found it when I wasn't really looking for it. I was online thinking that I would meet some people in this new town, go out to dinners and get to know the city... but on my first date after boards I just knew that it was so much more. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. I know that there will be many ups and downs... but I believe that my "happily ever after" starts today. And I can't stop smiling about it!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Senseless Acts
So, after my rant yesterday, I looked on my Facebook and noted that one of my Friends "status updates" noted the fact that my cousin's husband had died the day before. Well, since I had not heard anything about it I tried to get more information. Little did I know that it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I was directed to a news article which read "Murder-Suicide" -- I thought, "Dear God, please don't let anything have happened to J." Well, thankfully my cousin J is alive. However, her boyfriend is not nor is her husband... Now, I know what many people are probably thinking. What they don't realize is the fact that the family did not trust her husband and did not really approve of the marriage. This was her High School boyfriend and she married him relatively young. He moved her to a different city and seemed to slowly seclude her from friends and family (at least that is the impression that everyone got). Then in September she apparently filed for divorce. Apparently he went nuts. He went to her parents house looking for her and found her with her boyfriend (who is also the cousin of her sister's husband)... he forced his way into the house, began shooting and eventually shot and killed this poor young man. He attempted to do the same to J, and did manage to beat her up pretty badly, but the police arrived and were able to distract him so that she could escape through a window. Then he went in the bathroom and shot himself.
This is a tragedy. This is particularly horrible given that two years ago her youngest sister died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. The largest blessing was the fact that neither J's parents nor children were in the house... she has a 3 1/2 year old daughter and a son who is around 1 1/2. But, can you imagine trying to shield them from this terrible truth about their father and how he died? I pray for her and the rest of the family to find peace and find a way to forgive him and allow the children to have some sort of positive memories of who their father was... before. I am seriously in shock. It is on the news all the time, and everyone thinks, "not my family"... but it can happen to anyone.
So, say a little prayer tonight for J and Thank God for your blessings.
This is a tragedy. This is particularly horrible given that two years ago her youngest sister died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. The largest blessing was the fact that neither J's parents nor children were in the house... she has a 3 1/2 year old daughter and a son who is around 1 1/2. But, can you imagine trying to shield them from this terrible truth about their father and how he died? I pray for her and the rest of the family to find peace and find a way to forgive him and allow the children to have some sort of positive memories of who their father was... before. I am seriously in shock. It is on the news all the time, and everyone thinks, "not my family"... but it can happen to anyone.
So, say a little prayer tonight for J and Thank God for your blessings.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Catching up...
WARNING>>> WHINING AHEAD... do not proceed if you are not in the mood and/or have already heard my tirade. I really am trying to be more positive, but I have a few things to get off of my chest. I did not shop on "Black Friday" ... I didn't sleep in, either... I worked. And, it felt like a black Friday. I am starting to really wonder if I didn't (again) take a job that was presented as one thing and turning into quite another. Seriously... why can't people just be honest. I got into it with the office manager yesterday b/c she told me that I "looked exhausted" (which, while I did a little earlier in the week, I did not feel since I slept a ton on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights) and questioned my ability to do my job. Then she said that the other doctor's had been concerned AND that I was being unprofessional by staying up too late. Come on... seriously now... just over a year ago I was working 80 hour weeks with calls that were 30 hours straight and often with very little to no sleep. That was "part of the job" as a resident. Now, if I get only 6-7 hours of sleep (occasionally) instead of 8-9 I am unprofessional? Then she said that the real boss said that I came to work "looking like I just got out of bed" -- talk about insulting. I get up an hour before I get to work. I shower at night, so in the morning I get dressed, brush teeth and hair and spend some time with my daughter. I make coffee and take breakfast to go (can't eat first thing in the morning). Sometimes I wear makeup... sometimes I don't. I am a relatively fair skinned person and since childhood I have circles under my eyes... especially in the winter. So, I suspect her comment was related to the fact that I was not wearing make-up yesterday. I didn't realize that it was "unprofessional." And quite frankly... I am pissed off. A few days before that I was snapped at for parking in her parking spot. I didn't realize that there was assigned parking... as there is NO SIGN in front of the spots. And, I always leave the first spot for the owner of the practice... the "boss." Unfortunately, as the office manager is the bosses wife, she thinks that she is the boss. I have never heard of such a thing... and it is a problem. There is a definite conflict of interest. I really have no interest in being part of a group that cares more about the money and appearances than about the patients and giving them the time they deserve. They squeeze in a ton of patients into small slots of time and then wonder why patients complain about waiting so long to see the doctor... DUH, I can tell you... b/c I can't possibly see 8 patients in ONE hour! I just want to do my job... take care of patients, educate them and treat them appropriately. But, I need a little time to do so effectively and appropriately. I know for a fact from my previous employer that seeing approximately 5-6 patients per day pays my salary... the overhead is generally paid by an additional 5-10 patients per day and the majority of rest is profit. It is so frustrating that all anyone cares about anymore is money.
Whatever... I will do what I have to do to take care of Katelyn. I will keep looking for the perfect fit and eventually I will find it. In the meantime, I will try to suck it up... deep breaths. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! That is the plan.
However, I am still thankful for many things:
- a very understanding boyfriend who listened to me complain for over an hour yesterday
- Panda Express
-McDonald's Coke (it is so addicting)
- good movies
- old friends
- the fact that I have an education and can always find a new job
Good night and thanks for listening!
Whatever... I will do what I have to do to take care of Katelyn. I will keep looking for the perfect fit and eventually I will find it. In the meantime, I will try to suck it up... deep breaths. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! That is the plan.
However, I am still thankful for many things:
- a very understanding boyfriend who listened to me complain for over an hour yesterday
- Panda Express
-McDonald's Coke (it is so addicting)
- good movies
- old friends
- the fact that I have an education and can always find a new job
Good night and thanks for listening!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving!
What a wonderful day it has been. I hope that everyone had a relaxing a day as we did. Katelyn and I got up (relatively) early and started the day with breakfast and then a bath. We painted our nails and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Justin came up with me to my mom's house and we enjoyed a lazy day just playing with Katelyn. My brother and his family came over around 4 and we had dinner and chatted awhile. We had to leave before bedtime so as to get back home for work tomorrow... so Katelyn is staying with Nana and I will go back on Saturday.
So, today I am thankful for:
Family
Friendship
Love
Good food
Shelter
Painted finger nails
And so much more!!
Happy Thanksgiving! 
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Exhaustion...
All these nights of staying up way to late talking (on the phone, in person...) are catching up with me. Tonight, I can barely keep my eyes open. I plan to go to bed as soon as I am done posting for the day. But, I wanted to share my "thankful list" for today:
- A nice dinner with a friend
- A half day at work tomorrow
- Bringing someone home for the holiday
- Christmas music (I have been listening to it for two days and can't stop smiling)
- My comfy bed ... sorry, I said I was exhausted.
Sweet dreams!
- A nice dinner with a friend
- A half day at work tomorrow
- Bringing someone home for the holiday
- Christmas music (I have been listening to it for two days and can't stop smiling)
- My comfy bed ... sorry, I said I was exhausted.
Sweet dreams!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Crazy Mondays
I am sure that everyone believes that Mondays are crazy and it is not a lot of fun going back to work... but for a pediatrician, they are just INSANE! I was crazy busy all day -- I had most of my appointment times double booked. And, believe me, while I am sure that patients complain about only getting to see the doctor for a few minutes, I equally hate having about 7 minutes to see each patient :( I inevitably end up taking more time -- I simply cannot do anything half a**... so, at the end of the day I have a HUGE pile of charts which are only partly filled in. Did I mention that Mondays are crazy :)
The only thing that makes Mondays better is that it is "date night." And tonight it is even better because he was out of town yesterday and I didn't get to talk to him last night... okay, so that sounded a little pathetic... but sadly, it is true. My night is not complete w/o talking to him. And, that is so NOT me... but I guess it is now.
So, tonight I am thankful for:
Date night
French Vanilla Cafe
A happy girl meeting me when I get home from work
A four day work week this week
Yummy Chinese food for lunch
My patients... yes, I really do love all those little cuties (even if some of the parents are a little nuts:)
Fortune cookies -- they always make me smile
The only thing that makes Mondays better is that it is "date night." And tonight it is even better because he was out of town yesterday and I didn't get to talk to him last night... okay, so that sounded a little pathetic... but sadly, it is true. My night is not complete w/o talking to him. And, that is so NOT me... but I guess it is now.
So, tonight I am thankful for:
Date night
French Vanilla Cafe
A happy girl meeting me when I get home from work
A four day work week this week
Yummy Chinese food for lunch
My patients... yes, I really do love all those little cuties (even if some of the parents are a little nuts:)
Fortune cookies -- they always make me smile
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Giving Thanks
I want to join my good friend Angi in giving thanks this week in honor of Thanksgiving! So, this year I am thankful for so many things: (1) The house in Florida sold :)
(2) I found a new job with less call
(3) I got to see the leaves change ( I LOVE Fall)
(4) I am living closer to family and friends!
(5) I have met someone very special and am falling
(6) Katelyn has been very healthy since the surgery
(7) I have a financial plan to get out of debt!
And so many more... which I will list all week.
I had a wonderful weekend. I am so happy and while the past me would be FREAKING OUT about what is happening to me (falling for someone... really falling), I am not. For those who really know me, they would likely be a little shocked. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but I am content for the first time in a long time, and that is a great feeling. I feel like I am "awake" if that makes sense. I had lost such a large part of myself in residency and my failed marriage... but I am rediscovering the positive parts of me, and instead of feeling insecure and unhappy, I am happy with myself. And for that I will be eternally grateful!
(2) I found a new job with less call
(3) I got to see the leaves change ( I LOVE Fall)
(4) I am living closer to family and friends!
(5) I have met someone very special and am falling
(6) Katelyn has been very healthy since the surgery
(7) I have a financial plan to get out of debt!
And so many more... which I will list all week.
I had a wonderful weekend. I am so happy and while the past me would be FREAKING OUT about what is happening to me (falling for someone... really falling), I am not. For those who really know me, they would likely be a little shocked. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but I am content for the first time in a long time, and that is a great feeling. I feel like I am "awake" if that makes sense. I had lost such a large part of myself in residency and my failed marriage... but I am rediscovering the positive parts of me, and instead of feeling insecure and unhappy, I am happy with myself. And for that I will be eternally grateful!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Welcome to Winter!
So, this moving from Florida to Ohio just before winter hit was probably not well thought out :) Seriously, though, 26 degrees is a bit ridiculous. Thank goodness for butt warmers in the car and a very quick to warm up heater!
Today was a bit of a stressful day given that the PRN has followed me to Ohio -- what a nightmare. They are on me about finding a doctor and sent me a packet that had to be returned within 10 days, only I received it essentially the day before it was due :( I tried like mad to find a doctor today, but apparently the "intake people" only work until 4 o'clock, so everywhere I tried they were gone and will be calling me back... only I will be working. Ugh! Even doctors can't get a doctor's appointment. It is craziness. Hopefully I don't get reported back to the Florida board. Ironically, I do not want to maintain my Florida license, but I did not want to relinquish it in case I want to apply for another state license in the future and then would have to explain why I relinquished it. I feel like a criminal on parole :(
The rest of my life is coming together. I am starting to get the hang of things at work, although I am still a bit slow... what can I say, I like to be sure that the patient (and parents) are well informed and feel like they had a good visit at the doctor rather thank leave with a ton of unanswered questions or misinformation. We are settling into our apartment... although, K said today that she wanted to find a new house because she doesn't like this one (yeah, adjusting to a small apartment is not fun for a 2 year old either). And, things are going well with my "mystery man" :) I tried to take things as slow as possible, but our relationship is just so comfortable. I used to believe that everyone had just one soul mate... but I really believe now that each person has a few, and I think I may have found mine. I know it hasn't been long, but I have only felt this way about one other person (and truth be told it was not my ex-husband). I am living in the moment and trying not to hold back too much or get caught up in worrying about the future. It is nice.
The holidays are rushing at us as well, it seems... can you believe that Thanksgiving is next week already? And I love this time of year -- I am a Christmas freak and it is the only time I go all out decorating. I just have to clear out a little more space in the apartment and I can put up the tree with Katelyn and all of my houses. When I was at my mom's house a few weeks ago, I got an early Christmas present surprise... from myself. Last year I ordered a Christmas house online (one of the "real" ones from Department 56) and I had forgotten all about it. It was a fun surprise! Remember last year (see old post) when Katelyn couldn't resist the village? I can't believe how much she has grown. The other day she got up, took of her PJ's, put them away in the pajama drawer, put on a pull up (couldn't reach the pantie drawer) and clothes (all on correctly and matching) including socks... my little girl is growing up :(
Can't wait to start seeing everyone's holiday pics!
Today was a bit of a stressful day given that the PRN has followed me to Ohio -- what a nightmare. They are on me about finding a doctor and sent me a packet that had to be returned within 10 days, only I received it essentially the day before it was due :( I tried like mad to find a doctor today, but apparently the "intake people" only work until 4 o'clock, so everywhere I tried they were gone and will be calling me back... only I will be working. Ugh! Even doctors can't get a doctor's appointment. It is craziness. Hopefully I don't get reported back to the Florida board. Ironically, I do not want to maintain my Florida license, but I did not want to relinquish it in case I want to apply for another state license in the future and then would have to explain why I relinquished it. I feel like a criminal on parole :(
The rest of my life is coming together. I am starting to get the hang of things at work, although I am still a bit slow... what can I say, I like to be sure that the patient (and parents) are well informed and feel like they had a good visit at the doctor rather thank leave with a ton of unanswered questions or misinformation. We are settling into our apartment... although, K said today that she wanted to find a new house because she doesn't like this one (yeah, adjusting to a small apartment is not fun for a 2 year old either). And, things are going well with my "mystery man" :) I tried to take things as slow as possible, but our relationship is just so comfortable. I used to believe that everyone had just one soul mate... but I really believe now that each person has a few, and I think I may have found mine. I know it hasn't been long, but I have only felt this way about one other person (and truth be told it was not my ex-husband). I am living in the moment and trying not to hold back too much or get caught up in worrying about the future. It is nice.
The holidays are rushing at us as well, it seems... can you believe that Thanksgiving is next week already? And I love this time of year -- I am a Christmas freak and it is the only time I go all out decorating. I just have to clear out a little more space in the apartment and I can put up the tree with Katelyn and all of my houses. When I was at my mom's house a few weeks ago, I got an early Christmas present surprise... from myself. Last year I ordered a Christmas house online (one of the "real" ones from Department 56) and I had forgotten all about it. It was a fun surprise! Remember last year (see old post) when Katelyn couldn't resist the village? I can't believe how much she has grown. The other day she got up, took of her PJ's, put them away in the pajama drawer, put on a pull up (couldn't reach the pantie drawer) and clothes (all on correctly and matching) including socks... my little girl is growing up :(
Can't wait to start seeing everyone's holiday pics!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Sweet November
I am afraid to admit that I may really be falling for this guy... We have know each other for weeks, yet I feel that I have known him for longer. It is nice to take things slow. We have talked for hours on the phone like two teenagers. We have been out several times, but we have not yet kissed. I want it to be right. And, I want to be sure that things do not get accelerated due to a physical attraction. We are building a foundation in friendship. It is fun and exciting, but also a little scary. It is a sweet November so far...
Tonight I watched Katelyn's birth and hospital video with Katelyn. It makes me fall in love with her all over again. And she likes seeing herself as a little baby. It is cute, though, because when I say she is a big girl, she says, "no, I am a baby. I am LITTLE!" Sweet girl. And, she is so cute b/c tonight when I asked if she would like to go to the museum and meet some boys (children of a friend of mine), she said, "no, mommy... I don't like boys. I just like girls." Then she paused for a moment and said, "I like one boy." I asked her, "who is the boy you like?" to which she replied, "Daddy!" I am glad that he is the only boy she likes... for now.
I wish everyone a sweet November full of thanks!
Tonight I watched Katelyn's birth and hospital video with Katelyn. It makes me fall in love with her all over again. And she likes seeing herself as a little baby. It is cute, though, because when I say she is a big girl, she says, "no, I am a baby. I am LITTLE!" Sweet girl. And, she is so cute b/c tonight when I asked if she would like to go to the museum and meet some boys (children of a friend of mine), she said, "no, mommy... I don't like boys. I just like girls." Then she paused for a moment and said, "I like one boy." I asked her, "who is the boy you like?" to which she replied, "Daddy!" I am glad that he is the only boy she likes... for now.
I wish everyone a sweet November full of thanks!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Dating Again
Now that I am settling in (not totally settled... still need a garage to put the rest of my things in storage that I have no room for) to life in the Midwest and taken my boards, AND since my mom is nearby to help babysit, I have been free to date. I took the better part of the past two years healing from the aftermath of divorce. So I am ready.
I met someone last week and we have gone out to dinner twice. He is (so far) a good guy. For many reasons, I have chosen to take things very slow. The most successful relationships are built on a friendship, right? He is a bit older than myself, but has children who are relatively young and is open to adding to his family. He does not drink, but respects that on that rare occasion I do. I am excited to see where things go. Wish me luck!
I met someone last week and we have gone out to dinner twice. He is (so far) a good guy. For many reasons, I have chosen to take things very slow. The most successful relationships are built on a friendship, right? He is a bit older than myself, but has children who are relatively young and is open to adding to his family. He does not drink, but respects that on that rare occasion I do. I am excited to see where things go. Wish me luck!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween
Today was a fun day with Katelyn. She wore her costume for much of the morning while we played with Mr. Potato Head and baby dolls. We went for a walk to the clubhouse to pay rent and then packed up the care to head to daddy's house. Once in Cincy, we had Indian for dinner (one of my FAVORITE foods) and then headed out trick-or-treating. I only stayed for about 4 houses or so and took some pictures before heading out to drive back to Michigan (today it took me 3.5 hours... guess I am getting slower in my old age:) I will add pics tomorrow as I am currently exhausted.
And, I promise I will get to the date... patience, my friend(s). Hope you had a Happy Halloween and that the little ones went to bed easy after eating all that candy.
And, I promise I will get to the date... patience, my friend(s). Hope you had a Happy Halloween and that the little ones went to bed easy after eating all that candy.
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