A New Baby

What a crazy few months it has been. I have been a little off and just not feeling myself, so I apologize for the lack of writing. Not that anyone reads my blog... besides the occasional family.

So, I spent Katelyn's birthday feeling a little sad that she was already three years old and I was not married and had not given her a sibling as of yet. That night I fell asleep when I layed down with her. It happened again the next day. And then again on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got off early from work and went to lunch. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was so tired... I hadn't felt this tired since... uh oh (I was pregnant with Katelyn). And, I was late... a week late. So, just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. Immediately there were two lines. I hadn't even looked at the box to see if there were supposed to be two lines or a plus or minus sign. So, I went out of the bathroom to check the box. And, it was clear... I was pregnant. I was in a panic. I cried, called my boyfriend to tell him the news and then called my friend Angi who I knew would be able to calm me down. It worked. My due date based on my LMP was October 8. A week later I was sick as a dog. It was all coming back to me. The morning, noon and night sickness lasted until about 15 weeks. I am feeling much better now, except for the fatigue. And the occasional insomnia (new - never had this with Katelyn).

Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I was beginning to have some fears about my relationship prior to the discovery that I was expecting a new baby. I, of course, have a lot of guilt over having gotten divorced and leaving Katelyn to spend time with her parents always apart. And now I have to make the decision about what to do for both of my kids. My girls -- yes, I had an u/s on Wednesday and it was revealed that I will be having another little princess. I can't fully put into words what is wrong. I just don't feel the same. Mostly, there is something missing for me. He is a great guy. A wonderful father. But, I am not sure he is the one for me. And I feel like a horrible person. I have felt so alone in all of this. I am living in a new city, working at yet another job I hate and have no friends here to talk things over with in person. I have been feeling depressed. And, I know that this is not me. I was feeling pretty good while I was in Florida. I was occasionally down and often stressed, but overall optimistic about our future. Now, I am at a crossroads and I am feeling very lost.

I am praying hard about what to do. I am hoping for a sign. But I am sure that the answer is inside of me already. I need to listen to my inner voice... for once. Follow my gut and my heart. I want to be a good mother... a wonderful mother, and to raise happy, loving daughters who can grow into adults with healthy relationships... unlike their mother. I love my daughter now with all of my heart. I know that she knows she is loved. I hope that this new little girl knows how much she is loved as well... because I already do with all of my heart.