Simple Pleasures and Meaningful Moments

A New Chapter

2010-06-30T11:52:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that nearly an entire year has come and went w/o a single post on my blog. Well, I will try to do better (at least once a week:) A summary of my year would be... struggled to keep the man I loved and lost - dumped for another woman 4 days before I was due to be induced... had a beautiful baby girl, Isabella Ann on October 2, 2009 weighing it at 7lb 4oz and 19 3/4 in long... moved to MI... quit my job in Columbus... living on savings... no child support for baby girl... went on interviews... reconnected with an old friend and fell in love... moved to Lima... started a new job with people that I really enjoy working with... still struggle much of the time to "do it all"... took a vacation to CA that was not what it should have been... relationship up and down... boyfriend left for active duty in the coast guard due to oil spill... never to be heard from... regrouping and prepared for whatever... Isabella nearly 9 mos old... baptised last weekend... wishing she would sleep all night like she used to... has seen her "daddy" for the equivalent of 2 days in her entire life... still waiting for his decision on what he wants to do... ah, life, ain't it grand?

But, surprisingly, as much as I struggle at times, I have a sense of peace about my future. I love my girls with my whole heart. I have received the wake up call I needed over the past year to do what I need to do for me. I love what I do even when it makes me crazy. I get more time with my girls that I would have in my previous job, as I work 3 12 hour days and have 2 days off per week. We are going to VA this weekend and it will mark just over a year from my last visit and the time my life spiralled out of control. A new start and more simple pleasures! I can't wait :)

Day by Day

2009-07-23T18:59:00.005-04:00

Today I am feeling a little down, but I am trying to keep the faith. I wish that I could turn back time to before I got depressed and that I knew everything I know today. I know that I have a lot of good things going in my life. But, at this moment, the most important piece is missing. I am so sad that JP and I have flipped to opposite sides. I am so sure of my love for him... and he is doubting whether he ever really loved me -- or at least whether he ever really felt that we were meant to be together. After all the things he said to me... all the emails he wrote to me when we were apart... I have read them and reread them and I am just at a loss.

He says that he just isn't sure of anything anymore. He doubts my love for him, I think. He believes that I had a change of heart solely because I don't want to be alone. And it is ironic because I took so much time to think because I wanted to be sure that my love was real and not based on my feelings about the baby. I want to raise this baby with JP, not because I can't do it alone or don't want to do it alone, but because I love him and want him. It is not a question in my mind. I believe that we were meant to meet, that we were meant to have this baby together and that we were meant to be together.

Yes, we are different in many ways, but we are also the same in many ways. He mentioned our difference in spiritual beliefs and I found it funny that this was my question months ago because he to that point had discussed only his lack of beliefs in the church in which he was raised... and while I was raised fundamentally Christian, I have a wide variety of beliefs and have studied many books on other religions of the world. As for Buddhism, I have a book written by the Dalai Lama entitled "The Art of Happiness." I have had it for years and read quite a bit of it at one point in time. I believe that with differences we have the potential to bring out the best in one another, to challenge one another and broaden each other's perspective. But he said himself that we shared the same ideas about life, work and raising a family.

I pushed him away before and now he is pushing me away. I am trying to give him space and time to think. But, I am afraid. Each day he seems more distant. I know that I am strong and I will get through it in the long run. I hope that WE are strong and can get through it to be together on the other side. Even if it takes a significant amount of time. We have a lifetime. Relationships are not easy. They take work. JP once said that love is painful, but then you are rewarded. I argued with him then, but I believe it now. Day by day, I am focusing on my work and taking care of myself and my daughter. I am preparing for the baby's arrival and trying hard to stay positive.

Three months

2009-07-16T21:20:00.004-04:00

I can't believe that in less than three months I will be the mother of not one, but two little girls. I am reminded of this daily as I tell my patients at work that I may miss their child's next appointment, but will be back for the one following that one. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I was pregnant with Katelyn it was amazing that for a woman who had always wanted to be a mother, I was scared to death that I wouldn't be "good" at it. Then when she was born, my love for her just overwhelmed me at times. I remember crying happy tears because of it. And although she was colicky and spent hours crying, I would never have traded her for the world. And now that I am pregnant again I am again left feeling nervous that while I never pictured myself as a mother of an only child, I am not sure how to balance two little ones and be sure that I give them both the attention they deserve. At the same time, I can't wait to see this baby and hold her in my arms.

I was reflecting back today upon the day I found out I was expecting her. I was terrified. I was so unsure of what the future would hold for her. And I was afraid of what my boyfriend was going to say... his divorce wasn't even final yet and here we were having a new baby. But, his response was not at all what I expected... he said, " well... it is going to be fine... this baby will be a beautiful mistake." Her life is full of promise. She was conceived in love and I believe that God picked us to be her parents for a reason. And while the timing to us was off, it was all part of his master plan.

This pregnancy for me has been a struggle. I started out feeling shame and doubt. It is never that I didn't want her, but that I was so afraid. Then I was so sick... morning, noon and night. And my emotions were all over the place. I was brought back to my pregnancy with Katelyn when my husband pulled away, began going out all of the time and ultimately left me to raise our daughter alone ( at least 90% of the time). And I so often felt like she was cheated. I was afraid of that happening again. What if he decides he didn't really want another child... what if... what if... and as my fears grew, I convinced myself that maybe we weren't right for one another. And I withdrew. And it is a pattern... one I would like to stop repeating. I did the same thing in past relationships, particularly in the one relationship that up until now had been the most significant to me. And ultimately I gave the ultimate push when I moved on and got married in spite of my feelings. And now, again, I pushed the man I love away because of fear. Fear of being so deep in love that I can be crushed. Fear that I am not really worthy of love. And by the time my cloud lifted and I was faced with the reality that I was in love and I am lovable and I don't want to lose the only other man I have truly loved with my whole being... the damage had been done. I just pray that the gap is not so wide that it can't be crossed.

I am ready to do whatever it takes to never again fall into the cycle of depression. I will take my medicine every day for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. Because it is not who I am. I am so much more. I really am a fun loving person. I know who I am and who I am capable of becoming. I am a good doctor, a loving mother and a loyal friend. I know that I deserve to be loved and I am capable of love.

Three months and I will be the mother of two. And I hope that I will still be in a relationship with the man I love and that we will be working towards a future together with our children. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I can be patient. I can focus on other areas of my life while at the same time giving our relationship the nurturing it needs. One step at a time. With a hope and a prayer.

Keeping the Faith

2009-07-15T09:19:00.006-04:00

I know that I have been horrible about updating my blog. I will try to do better, but life always seems to get in the way.

The baby is due in just under three months and I feel like there is so much to do in the meantime to prepare. In reality, there likely isn't that much, other than mentally preparing myself to parent more than one child. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and smother her with kisses ;)

I am finally feeling more like myself. I have been taking my medicine consistently for about two months now. And I really wish that I could put into words how it feels to be depressed. But, I am not sure there are words. I wish I understood fully why it happens, too. But, I don't completely. I do know that mine tends to have a trigger... usually a series of triggers that comes to a head. I haven't really been depressed since my marriage was falling apart, my husband was going out drinking all the time and I was pregnant and then had a colicky baby to care for along with having some baby blues. So, stress. Prior to that I was a little depressed when my father was ill and died a short time later... which is a given, although ironic given our relationship. And before that I was depressed when I was a freshman in college and started having flashbacks about past abuse... although that episode took longer to recover from. Other than those I have been relatively good. This time I was stressed at work, had just moved here and then discovered I was pregnant by a man I loved, but whom was still married, separated or not... and being pregnant in itself with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness certainly added to it. But, it is passing and I am in a good place...

As for my relationship, it definitely fell victim to my depression. I spent weeks reflecting and praying for an answer, and at the end I came to realize that my fears were all the result of one big fear... being in love. It is crazy, I know. But looking back on our relationship I realized that I began pulling away and freaking out the moment I realized that I was head over heels and thus vulnerable. And then when I got depressed, it got worse. And now my biggest fear is that I can't get it back. He has every right to question my seemingly "overnight" change of heart, but the reality is that I never stopped loving him. I can't make him understand, though I wish I could. I know that his only experience with depression was with his ex-wife, yet I resent being compared to her as we do not compare and it sounds like she had more of a bipolar (rapid cycling) mood disorder... which I do not. I also know that I helped build the walls that are now around his heart. But, I pray that with time he will trust me again and believe in me and that the walls can come down ever so slowly. I really believe we are soul mates. I know better then to believe that life can ever be simply "happily ever after." There are hard times and struggles in every relationship, just as other areas of life don't go quite as planned, but at the end of the day it is worth it. I have faith that it is worth it. I am willing to wait. I am ready to settle down and get involved in the community in which I live and make friends, to find a church and other interests. I have settled into work with a new outlook and have made it tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I have arranged to go part time and know that it is the best decision for my family.

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I realize that ended a bit abruptly... I was at work and got a patient and then never got back to finishing the post.

What I wanted to end with is that I am again optimistic about my future and the future of my girls. I am prayerful and hopeful that things will turn around. But, a few prayers from others wouldn't hurt :)

A New Baby

2009-05-31T22:02:00.003-04:00

What a crazy few months it has been. I have been a little off and just not feeling myself, so I apologize for the lack of writing. Not that anyone reads my blog... besides the occasional family.

So, I spent Katelyn's birthday feeling a little sad that she was already three years old and I was not married and had not given her a sibling as of yet. That night I fell asleep when I layed down with her. It happened again the next day. And then again on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got off early from work and went to lunch. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was so tired... I hadn't felt this tired since... uh oh (I was pregnant with Katelyn). And, I was late... a week late. So, just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. Immediately there were two lines. I hadn't even looked at the box to see if there were supposed to be two lines or a plus or minus sign. So, I went out of the bathroom to check the box. And, it was clear... I was pregnant. I was in a panic. I cried, called my boyfriend to tell him the news and then called my friend Angi who I knew would be able to calm me down. It worked. My due date based on my LMP was October 8. A week later I was sick as a dog. It was all coming back to me. The morning, noon and night sickness lasted until about 15 weeks. I am feeling much better now, except for the fatigue. And the occasional insomnia (new - never had this with Katelyn).

Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I was beginning to have some fears about my relationship prior to the discovery that I was expecting a new baby. I, of course, have a lot of guilt over having gotten divorced and leaving Katelyn to spend time with her parents always apart. And now I have to make the decision about what to do for both of my kids. My girls -- yes, I had an u/s on Wednesday and it was revealed that I will be having another little princess. I can't fully put into words what is wrong. I just don't feel the same. Mostly, there is something missing for me. He is a great guy. A wonderful father. But, I am not sure he is the one for me. And I feel like a horrible person. I have felt so alone in all of this. I am living in a new city, working at yet another job I hate and have no friends here to talk things over with in person. I have been feeling depressed. And, I know that this is not me. I was feeling pretty good while I was in Florida. I was occasionally down and often stressed, but overall optimistic about our future. Now, I am at a crossroads and I am feeling very lost.

I am praying hard about what to do. I am hoping for a sign. But I am sure that the answer is inside of me already. I need to listen to my inner voice... for once. Follow my gut and my heart. I want to be a good mother... a wonderful mother, and to raise happy, loving daughters who can grow into adults with healthy relationships... unlike their mother. I love my daughter now with all of my heart. I know that she knows she is loved. I hope that this new little girl knows how much she is loved as well... because I already do with all of my heart.

Letter To My Baby Girl

2009-02-01T20:17:00.007-05:00

Dearest Katelyn,

Tomorrow is your 3rd birthday. I remember like it was yesterday the anticipation I felt on the eve of your birth. I knew that February 2nd was the day because I was being induced for my blood pressure and because you were getting to be a big baby for my tummy. Little did any of us know that you were going to be as big as you were (8 pounds 10 ounces and 21.5 inches long). So, that night of the 1st I was nervous and excited and could hardly sleep a wink. I woke up early and called the hospital to be sure that they were ready for us, and they were, so we were on our way. It was a long day, but finally at 10:59 pm you were born. You were perfect. I was in awe of how beautiful you were, and I cried as I held you and thanked God that you were healthy. It was truly love at first sight. I was so happy to be your mommy. You, my love, are my wish come true!

I hope that you remember all the special moments that we share... our "nosey kisses," your bedtime routine of snuggling in bed every night as I read to you and sing lullabies, taking bubble baths together, playing dress up, having tea parties and picnics in the backyard, trips to the park, the perfect day we had at the beach, our trips to the zoo and the museum, playing with your snap-n-dolls and coloring with markers, cooking in your kitchen and playing with mister Potato Head and all the other simple pleasures. I hope that someday you know that I worked hard for us and that you don't resent me for it. And I hope you know that there isn't a moment in my life that I don't wish I could be spending with you.

I love you when you are happy and especially love the way you giggle which just captures your personality. I love you when you are grumpy... you are just so expressive and sometimes I just want to laugh, but I want you to know that I respect your right to be grumpy. I even love you when you are throwing a fit, although I must say that it can be exhausting... but I know that it is your way of coming into your own as a little girl. I love you when you are silly, like when you dance around the house without any clothes singing, "naked, naked, naked!" You just bring so much joy to my life. I cannot imagine my life without you.

I am sorry that your daddy and I don't live together anymore, but I want you to know that you were wanted, that we were in love once and I will always love your daddy... mostly because he gave me the greatest gift... you!

Happy Birthday, Baby girl!!

All my love,

Mommy

New Years 2009

2009-01-01T20:34:00.003-05:00

Wow... it is a new year: 2009. That means I graduated college almost 10 years ago. I can hardly believe it. I don't feel like I am getting that much older... okay, maybe I feel like I am getting older.

The past year was a rough one. I started off the new year as a single mom with no family in the town in which I was living. I did have in-laws a few hours away, but none that could really help out much with Katelyn due to their own work and families. I did enjoy seeing them in Orlando on a regular basis, but I was missing my mom. I was also working at a job in which I was not happy. I became a little happier when I moved to a new office and was not in the middle of drama on a regular basis. But, I was away from Katelyn more than I wanted to be and on call A LOT more than I would have wanted. Then, when April came I realized that in 366 days, Katelyn had seen her daddy on only 38 of them... and some of those days were for a few hours. So, I made some big decisions. I applied for an Ohio license and started a job search. I finally settled on a job in a town in the middle of my home town and the city where my ex-husband lives. I started the job a few months ago and it has been a rocky start. Unfortunately, I do not see it getting any better. So, after a few short months I am likely to cut my losses again and move on. No sense in staying if I am going to be miserable and feel a part of something that I am truly against. It is a business... which is not at all what I want to be a part of. I want to be a doctor. Yes, I want to make a living. But, I do not need to be rich. I will be perfectly happy having a middle class life. If I wanted more money, I would not be a pediatrician. I will wait for the right time or see if they let me go. I know they are waiting for me to quit. But, I will find my way.

The best thing that happened to me this year was that I fell in love. It is crazy and not rational or smart, but I can't help it. I know that this year for him will be one crazy ride since his divorce is not final and there are a lot of things to work out before it can be. If I were smart, I would never have gotten involved. But, who ever said that I was smart :) Now, in case you are reading this post w/o having read the previous, he was separated when we met and so I did not get involved with a married man (or not exactly). Maybe we will ring in 2010 with nothing but happiness and peace and the stress will be behind us. I will find the right job for me and he will be free to move on completely and without reservation. Until then, I will sit back, hold on and try my best to enjoy the ride.

Happy New Year to you, and may 2009 bring you love, happiness, health and good fortune! God Bless!!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T20:27:00.007-05:00

The holiday turned into a special day. I spent the day lounging around with my boyfriend... slept in since we had no children needing attention... ate breakfast, watched a movie ("Love Actually") and all around had a wonderful day. Lots of much needed rest, relaxation and quality time:)

I did miss my baby girl like crazy as it is the first Christmas that I have not had her with me. The pics are all from last Sunday at my mom's house. I also missed my sister and my mom (most holidays have been spent with one or another of them). But it is okay.

Countdown to Christmas

2008-12-21T00:41:00.005-05:00

Well, I am nearly ready for Christmas. That is to say that I am shopped out and there are many presents under the tree from mommy this year. They are there early as we are celebrating the holiday tomorrow. Katelyn is way excited. But, she knows that Santa will be coming to daddy's house this year. It will be my first Christmas without her with me. I am a little sad about it, but trying to keep perspective. And, I will be spending the holiday with Justin and not alone. We will actually spend a few hours with his sons before they go back to their mom's house.

I have a few things left to get, but the lines were getting a bit ridiculous today. I actually had to get in a line at Victoria's secret so that the people who work there could then put me in another line. And, when I went to pick up earrings at the jeweler (which they called my mom to let her know they were ready and to come get them), I had to stand in line and then they took my name and I had to wait again until they called me to get back in line to get the earrings. What??? It was absurd. Finally, the best was when it took me nearly an hour (seriously took 45 minutes) to turn out of the mall, make another right turn and get one block past the mall. I realize that it is Christmas... but come on, people... learn how to drive!

I did get to briefly talk to my friend Angi -- three of her four children have caught the chicken pox. Thankfully two of them are on the mend. Hopefully the baby will feel better soon.

When I got home we made some cut out cookies. I will leave you with a picture of Katelyn helping:

L-O-V-E

2008-12-05T22:26:00.006-05:00

As, I have (again) neglected my poor blog for some time (winter is crazy for a pediatrician), I need to catch up. So, my "mystery guy" is out in the open. His (soon to be ex) wife and my ex-husband are aware of our relationship. And, a few weeks ago I met his sons and they met my daughter. His oldest, Luke, is very sweet and seems to love Katelyn. His little one, Will, is a little more standoffish. I think he is mostly a little jealous of Katelyn... he is the baby and not used to anyone smaller getting attention. I can't get a read on how he feels about me. I am aware that I need to take it very slow with him and let him warm up to the idea. I am sure that it is in part the age and the fact that he was likely not as aware as Luke of the problems between his parents and at that age there is always a fantasy of one's parents reuniting. I, obviously, would be a roadblock to that happening. In theory I knew this... but in reality, it is a little difficult. But I hope that one day he sees the love that I share with his daddy and he lets me in a little.

And, yes... I said it. I am head over heels in love with this guy. True, we met a short time ago... but, I have not felt this way in a very long time. In fact, I thought that I had missed my opportunity to be with my soul mate. I hoped and believed that you could have more than one in a lifetime, but wondered if I would ever find it again. Well, I truly believe that I have. And, just as so many people have said, I found it when I wasn't really looking for it. I was online thinking that I would meet some people in this new town, go out to dinners and get to know the city... but on my first date after boards I just knew that it was so much more. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. I know that there will be many ups and downs... but I believe that my "happily ever after" starts today. And I can't stop smiling about it!

Senseless Acts

2008-11-30T20:33:00.003-05:00

So, after my rant yesterday, I looked on my Facebook and noted that one of my Friends "status updates" noted the fact that my cousin's husband had died the day before. Well, since I had not heard anything about it I tried to get more information. Little did I know that it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I was directed to a news article which read "Murder-Suicide" -- I thought, "Dear God, please don't let anything have happened to J." Well, thankfully my cousin J is alive. However, her boyfriend is not nor is her husband... Now, I know what many people are probably thinking. What they don't realize is the fact that the family did not trust her husband and did not really approve of the marriage. This was her High School boyfriend and she married him relatively young. He moved her to a different city and seemed to slowly seclude her from friends and family (at least that is the impression that everyone got). Then in September she apparently filed for divorce. Apparently he went nuts. He went to her parents house looking for her and found her with her boyfriend (who is also the cousin of her sister's husband)... he forced his way into the house, began shooting and eventually shot and killed this poor young man. He attempted to do the same to J, and did manage to beat her up pretty badly, but the police arrived and were able to distract him so that she could escape through a window. Then he went in the bathroom and shot himself.

This is a tragedy. This is particularly horrible given that two years ago her youngest sister died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. The largest blessing was the fact that neither J's parents nor children were in the house... she has a 3 1/2 year old daughter and a son who is around 1 1/2. But, can you imagine trying to shield them from this terrible truth about their father and how he died? I pray for her and the rest of the family to find peace and find a way to forgive him and allow the children to have some sort of positive memories of who their father was... before. I am seriously in shock. It is on the news all the time, and everyone thinks, "not my family"... but it can happen to anyone.

So, say a little prayer tonight for J and Thank God for your blessings.

Catching up...

2008-11-29T21:41:00.004-05:00

WARNING>>> WHINING AHEAD... do not proceed if you are not in the mood and/or have already heard my tirade. I really am trying to be more positive, but I have a few things to get off of my chest. I did not shop on "Black Friday" ... I didn't sleep in, either... I worked. And, it felt like a black Friday. I am starting to really wonder if I didn't (again) take a job that was presented as one thing and turning into quite another. Seriously... why can't people just be honest. I got into it with the office manager yesterday b/c she told me that I "looked exhausted" (which, while I did a little earlier in the week, I did not feel since I slept a ton on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights) and questioned my ability to do my job. Then she said that the other doctor's had been concerned AND that I was being unprofessional by staying up too late. Come on... seriously now... just over a year ago I was working 80 hour weeks with calls that were 30 hours straight and often with very little to no sleep. That was "part of the job" as a resident. Now, if I get only 6-7 hours of sleep (occasionally) instead of 8-9 I am unprofessional? Then she said that the real boss said that I came to work "looking like I just got out of bed" -- talk about insulting. I get up an hour before I get to work. I shower at night, so in the morning I get dressed, brush teeth and hair and spend some time with my daughter. I make coffee and take breakfast to go (can't eat first thing in the morning). Sometimes I wear makeup... sometimes I don't. I am a relatively fair skinned person and since childhood I have circles under my eyes... especially in the winter. So, I suspect her comment was related to the fact that I was not wearing make-up yesterday. I didn't realize that it was "unprofessional." And quite frankly... I am pissed off. A few days before that I was snapped at for parking in her parking spot. I didn't realize that there was assigned parking... as there is NO SIGN in front of the spots. And, I always leave the first spot for the owner of the practice... the "boss." Unfortunately, as the office manager is the bosses wife, she thinks that she is the boss. I have never heard of such a thing... and it is a problem. There is a definite conflict of interest. I really have no interest in being part of a group that cares more about the money and appearances than about the patients and giving them the time they deserve. They squeeze in a ton of patients into small slots of time and then wonder why patients complain about waiting so long to see the doctor... DUH, I can tell you... b/c I can't possibly see 8 patients in ONE hour! I just want to do my job... take care of patients, educate them and treat them appropriately. But, I need a little time to do so effectively and appropriately. I know for a fact from my previous employer that seeing approximately 5-6 patients per day pays my salary... the overhead is generally paid by an additional 5-10 patients per day and the majority of rest is profit. It is so frustrating that all anyone cares about anymore is money.

Whatever... I will do what I have to do to take care of Katelyn. I will keep looking for the perfect fit and eventually I will find it. In the meantime, I will try to suck it up... deep breaths. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! That is the plan.

However, I am still thankful for many things:
- a very understanding boyfriend who listened to me complain for over an hour yesterday
- Panda Express
-McDonald's Coke (it is so addicting)
- good movies
- old friends
- the fact that I have an education and can always find a new job

Good night and thanks for listening!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T22:24:00.004-05:00

What a wonderful day it has been. I hope that everyone had a relaxing a day as we did. Katelyn and I got up (relatively) early and started the day with breakfast and then a bath. We painted our nails and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Justin came up with me to my mom's house and we enjoyed a lazy day just playing with Katelyn. My brother and his family came over around 4 and we had dinner and chatted awhile. We had to leave before bedtime so as to get back home for work tomorrow... so Katelyn is staying with Nana and I will go back on Saturday.

So, today I am thankful for:

Family

Friendship

Love

Good food

Shelter

Painted finger nails

And so much more!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Exhaustion...

2008-11-25T22:17:00.002-05:00

All these nights of staying up way to late talking (on the phone, in person...) are catching up with me. Tonight, I can barely keep my eyes open. I plan to go to bed as soon as I am done posting for the day. But, I wanted to share my "thankful list" for today:

- A nice dinner with a friend
- A half day at work tomorrow
- Bringing someone home for the holiday
- Christmas music (I have been listening to it for two days and can't stop smiling)
- My comfy bed ... sorry, I said I was exhausted.

Sweet dreams!

Crazy Mondays

2008-11-24T20:43:00.002-05:00

I am sure that everyone believes that Mondays are crazy and it is not a lot of fun going back to work... but for a pediatrician, they are just INSANE! I was crazy busy all day -- I had most of my appointment times double booked. And, believe me, while I am sure that patients complain about only getting to see the doctor for a few minutes, I equally hate having about 7 minutes to see each patient :( I inevitably end up taking more time -- I simply cannot do anything half a**... so, at the end of the day I have a HUGE pile of charts which are only partly filled in. Did I mention that Mondays are crazy :)

The only thing that makes Mondays better is that it is "date night." And tonight it is even better because he was out of town yesterday and I didn't get to talk to him last night... okay, so that sounded a little pathetic... but sadly, it is true. My night is not complete w/o talking to him. And, that is so NOT me... but I guess it is now.

So, tonight I am thankful for:

Date night
French Vanilla Cafe
A happy girl meeting me when I get home from work
A four day work week this week
Yummy Chinese food for lunch
My patients... yes, I really do love all those little cuties (even if some of the parents are a little nuts:)
Fortune cookies -- they always make me smile

Giving Thanks

2008-11-23T22:43:00.003-05:00

I want to join my good friend Angi in giving thanks this week in honor of Thanksgiving! So, this year I am thankful for so many things: (1) The house in Florida sold :)
(2) I found a new job with less call
(3) I got to see the leaves change ( I LOVE Fall)
(4) I am living closer to family and friends!
(5) I have met someone very special and am falling
(6) Katelyn has been very healthy since the surgery
(7) I have a financial plan to get out of debt!

And so many more... which I will list all week.

I had a wonderful weekend. I am so happy and while the past me would be FREAKING OUT about what is happening to me (falling for someone... really falling), I am not. For those who really know me, they would likely be a little shocked. I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but I am content for the first time in a long time, and that is a great feeling. I feel like I am "awake" if that makes sense. I had lost such a large part of myself in residency and my failed marriage... but I am rediscovering the positive parts of me, and instead of feeling insecure and unhappy, I am happy with myself. And for that I will be eternally grateful!

Welcome to Winter!

2008-11-19T20:23:00.002-05:00

So, this moving from Florida to Ohio just before winter hit was probably not well thought out :) Seriously, though, 26 degrees is a bit ridiculous. Thank goodness for butt warmers in the car and a very quick to warm up heater!

Today was a bit of a stressful day given that the PRN has followed me to Ohio -- what a nightmare. They are on me about finding a doctor and sent me a packet that had to be returned within 10 days, only I received it essentially the day before it was due :( I tried like mad to find a doctor today, but apparently the "intake people" only work until 4 o'clock, so everywhere I tried they were gone and will be calling me back... only I will be working. Ugh! Even doctors can't get a doctor's appointment. It is craziness. Hopefully I don't get reported back to the Florida board. Ironically, I do not want to maintain my Florida license, but I did not want to relinquish it in case I want to apply for another state license in the future and then would have to explain why I relinquished it. I feel like a criminal on parole :(

The rest of my life is coming together. I am starting to get the hang of things at work, although I am still a bit slow... what can I say, I like to be sure that the patient (and parents) are well informed and feel like they had a good visit at the doctor rather thank leave with a ton of unanswered questions or misinformation. We are settling into our apartment... although, K said today that she wanted to find a new house because she doesn't like this one (yeah, adjusting to a small apartment is not fun for a 2 year old either). And, things are going well with my "mystery man" :) I tried to take things as slow as possible, but our relationship is just so comfortable. I used to believe that everyone had just one soul mate... but I really believe now that each person has a few, and I think I may have found mine. I know it hasn't been long, but I have only felt this way about one other person (and truth be told it was not my ex-husband). I am living in the moment and trying not to hold back too much or get caught up in worrying about the future. It is nice.

The holidays are rushing at us as well, it seems... can you believe that Thanksgiving is next week already? And I love this time of year -- I am a Christmas freak and it is the only time I go all out decorating. I just have to clear out a little more space in the apartment and I can put up the tree with Katelyn and all of my houses. When I was at my mom's house a few weeks ago, I got an early Christmas present surprise... from myself. Last year I ordered a Christmas house online (one of the "real" ones from Department 56) and I had forgotten all about it. It was a fun surprise! Remember last year (see old post) when Katelyn couldn't resist the village? I can't believe how much she has grown. The other day she got up, took of her PJ's, put them away in the pajama drawer, put on a pull up (couldn't reach the pantie drawer) and clothes (all on correctly and matching) including socks... my little girl is growing up :(

Can't wait to start seeing everyone's holiday pics!

Sweet November

2008-11-14T20:57:00.002-05:00

I am afraid to admit that I may really be falling for this guy... We have know each other for weeks, yet I feel that I have known him for longer. It is nice to take things slow. We have talked for hours on the phone like two teenagers. We have been out several times, but we have not yet kissed. I want it to be right. And, I want to be sure that things do not get accelerated due to a physical attraction. We are building a foundation in friendship. It is fun and exciting, but also a little scary. It is a sweet November so far...

Tonight I watched Katelyn's birth and hospital video with Katelyn. It makes me fall in love with her all over again. And she likes seeing herself as a little baby. It is cute, though, because when I say she is a big girl, she says, "no, I am a baby. I am LITTLE!" Sweet girl. And, she is so cute b/c tonight when I asked if she would like to go to the museum and meet some boys (children of a friend of mine), she said, "no, mommy... I don't like boys. I just like girls." Then she paused for a moment and said, "I like one boy." I asked her, "who is the boy you like?" to which she replied, "Daddy!" I am glad that he is the only boy she likes... for now.

I wish everyone a sweet November full of thanks!

Dating Again

2008-11-05T22:02:00.002-05:00

Now that I am settling in (not totally settled... still need a garage to put the rest of my things in storage that I have no room for) to life in the Midwest and taken my boards, AND since my mom is nearby to help babysit, I have been free to date. I took the better part of the past two years healing from the aftermath of divorce. So I am ready.

I met someone last week and we have gone out to dinner twice. He is (so far) a good guy. For many reasons, I have chosen to take things very slow. The most successful relationships are built on a friendship, right? He is a bit older than myself, but has children who are relatively young and is open to adding to his family. He does not drink, but respects that on that rare occasion I do. I am excited to see where things go. Wish me luck!

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T23:55:00.003-04:00

Today was a fun day with Katelyn. She wore her costume for much of the morning while we played with Mr. Potato Head and baby dolls. We went for a walk to the clubhouse to pay rent and then packed up the care to head to daddy's house. Once in Cincy, we had Indian for dinner (one of my FAVORITE foods) and then headed out trick-or-treating. I only stayed for about 4 houses or so and took some pictures before heading out to drive back to Michigan (today it took me 3.5 hours... guess I am getting slower in my old age:) I will add pics tomorrow as I am currently exhausted.

And, I promise I will get to the date... patience, my friend(s). Hope you had a Happy Halloween and that the little ones went to bed easy after eating all that candy.

A day at the Museum

2008-10-31T00:33:00.002-04:00

This morning Katelyn, Nana and I headed to COSI... it is a science museum in our new hometown. There was a visiting exhibit called "Sesame Street Presents The Body." The little one LOVED it! The funniest exhibit was where they explained how food is consumed, digested and then comes out as ... poo (and yes, they called it poo). Katelyn didn't say anything about it at the time, but while going to the bathroom before dinner she said "Nana, did you see the BIG Poop at the museum?" I about died laughing. There was also a "Hooper's store" where you could go shopping, help Herry monster get groceries by pointing a scanner at the correct food (think wedding registry) and you could build a burger/sandwich . There was an obstacle course... and much, much more. It was so cool! I think I went there once when I was a kid with school, but it was a long time ago. We then headed for the kid area, which was HUGE and before we could get to everything it was lunchtime (and time for a nap). We got a year long pass with the Sesame street exhibit (which cost extra) for $100 -- for ONE day, it would have cost $47.50 for the three of us. And, we got the "grandparent pass" which was two named adults (Nana and I) and all the grandchildren (which includes my Katelyn and my brother's two girls). If the five of us went alone, it would cost $82.50. So, all in all and EXCELLENT deal, even if the other girls only come once.

Then, for lunch, we ate at Panda Express (Katelyn's FAVORITE fast food -- Chinese). It was sooo good. And then home for a nap.

Then our day turned for the worse as the nap lasted only an hour (what?) and someone woke up on the wrong side of the crib. Speaking of cribs... she finally figured out how to crawl out. And as feared (the reason I had not moved her to her new "big girl bed") she has started doing this in the middle of the night and then won't always go back to sleep very easily (if at all). So, my child who slept until 8am is not getting up at 4 and then for good around 6:45 - 7:30 (AHHH!) I hope that this phase is short lived. I miss sleeping in the one day I can (Saturdays that I am not on call).

I did organize her toys and got them all put away in her closet (she has a walk in closet which is HUGE at our new apartment). It was a relief. Every box that gets emptied is a relief to me. I have to really get my room and bathroom organized and then tackle the rest of the boxes in the dining room. When a garage is available (I asked for one but they didn't have one open when I moved in), I can move my bike and the bike trailer as well as the boxes from her PB Kitchen (which I want to save as I do not intend to live in this apartment forever)... currently they are taking up the entire dining room along with a few boxes of kitchen stuff that will in no way fit in my tiny kitchen that resembles the one we had in my childhood home (you can reach both sides when you spread out your arms). But, I never have to mow (OK... pay someone to mow:) or weed (I did that myself and I HATE weeding) as long as I am here!

Well, I best be getting to bed (it is way late). But, hooray for me, two posts in one week! I didn't post yesterday b/c I was on a... date :) More on that later!

Sigh of Relief

2008-10-28T22:04:00.002-04:00

So, I am trying to re-start my blogging and hope to be better at keeping up with it. I took my Peds boards yesterday. The test was SOOO hard. I realized that all the parents magazines recommend that parents be sure that their pediatrician is board certified. However, they don't realize that the exam that must be passed is ridiculous -- each question is an entire paragraph of information, but not the entire history you would actually elicit if it were a real patient... then just when you say "I know what this kid has and you treat it with _____" they ask, "If they are allergic to (insert almost every antibiotic known to man," what would you give them? Truth is you would look it up in a little book called the Sanford Guide. There were 300+ questions, many of which were like that. Hopefully I passed. But it is frustrating.

In the past month I have moved from Florida to Ohio. I started a new job, which is so far going fairly well, although I am working a little more than I was told I would. Hopefully someone else will be starting the practice soon, which is what was supposed to happen, but the other person fell through. I am keeping the faith.

I lived with a colleague for a few weeks, but I have moved into my new apartment and things are starting to come together slowly but surely. I am a neat freak who generally can't stand the fact that I have boxes sitting around, but I am trying to just go with the flow. Katelyn lived with Nana for a few weeks and saw her daddy on the weekends, but we are together again.

We are starting over. A new life... a colder life in the winter, but we'll survive. I did go shopping today to buy some new clothes to stay warm. And they are cute:) I have also gotten Katelyn a bunch of cute new clothes for the cooler weather. And funny enough, she seems to love the cooler weather. She used to cry at the park to go home b/c " it is too hot, mommy!" But now I have to beg her to go home b/c I am freezing...

I swear I will try to do better

2008-09-13T23:07:00.002-04:00

I have been a horrible blogger! I read many... I just can't seem to keep up with my own. I am going to try to better once we get settled into our new home (and I take the boards). I would like to be able to keep the family up with the happenings of our life... and I plan on there being way more happenings in Columbus:)

I am moving to Ohio in less than two weeks. I am totally stressed! I have been packing and tonight my back hurts. I should go to bed soon b/c I have to go to the "Hopsital" tomorrow morning to see a new baby (by 9 so I am there within 24h of birth). So, I will be up early.

Please forgive me... I will be away for a month or two... but I promise that starting in November, I will be much less stressed and have more free time to write.

PROCRASTINATION

2008-08-04T20:30:00.002-04:00

I had a very productive weekend - I studied, packed a few boxes AND I even finished weeding the majority of the front flower beds, planted a few flowers and spread 13 bags of mulch. Today I am feeling it -- big time. I feel like a little old lady.

Tonight, I am tired. I should be studying, but instead I am surfing the Internet, writing emails and now writing a blog entry. I really have to study. I am super nervous about the boards.

I miss Katelyn, too. I miss her like crazy! It is so weird to be in this giant house all by myself. I only pray that it sells (OK, I have said that for almost 2 years, but I really hope that it sells this month).

Studying is really for the young

2008-07-31T23:17:00.003-04:00

OK, I realize that I am still "young" in comparison. But, I am certainly not as young as I once was. I used to be able to study until 2 or 3 am and still get up for an 8 am class. Now the thought of staying up until 2am makes me yawn. I did fairly well tonight. I read through 30+ pages of material and committed it to memory (or made an attempt to do so).

I have to take advantage of the time Katelyn is with her dad. When she gets back I will be back to trying to squeeze in cleaning, studying, showering and doing laundry all between the hours of 9pm and 11. Ugh!

On a fun note, Katelyn's daddy finally got a taste of what I have gone through for the past few months -- bonifide all out temper tantrums. I don't mean the little fits where one just throws oneself on the floor to scream or stomps around. I mean screaming at full decibels for an hour or more. Yes, my little Irish Puerto-Rican is stubborn (go figure... I don't know where she could possibly have gotten it from). The most recent wrong that was committed against her - not giving her the binky! Funny thing is, I don't really think it is a big deal. Just give her the stinking binky. She is staying at a house where she does not usually live and yes she is with her daddy (whom she sees every other month) and her Abuelita (who she last saw at Christmas time)... stressed out, anyone? At least now he will believe me... I say she is the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forehead, and when she is good, she is very good, but when she is bad... she is horrid!

Case in point: Yes, she is rocking out on Tio Juan's Guitar Hero guitar!

She is the cutest, though, if I do say so myself :) Even if she is stubborn like her daddy... OK, maybe her mama, too.

Things are looking up

2008-07-28T22:04:00.005-04:00

I am so much better at reading other people's blogs than writing my own. A clever excuse would be "I have been too busy living my life to write about it." It would be partially true. But, mostly I have been lazy and so super busy working -- not really living so much as I would like.

So much has happened since my last post, I am not sure where to begin. I went back home to Ohio for a vacation and to do some interviewing. And, as a result, I was given multiple job offers. I weighed all the options and chose one. I am very happy with my decision and I just know that I have made the right choice. I will be moving back to Ohio in November. I will be about half way between my mom and Katelyn's dad.

My call schedule will be much better - only one day in four and one weekend per month. AND, once they hire another partner (which should be around the time I start), I will have one day off per week. One day to spend with my daughter doing fun "stay at home mom" type activities-- minus the cleaning. It will be the one day I skip the housework and other minutia if possible and try to just live. In addition, I will get a raise, which definitely does not hurt given the fact that over the past few years I have gotten into a small hole. Particularly since I was out of work for two weeks last fall.

I was approved to sit for the boards and coincidentally was approved to take them in the same city where I will be living. And today I got the best news yet - I got my Ohio license!!! I didn't have to jump through fifty hoops like I did last time, which is spectacular. Praise God!

We dropped the price of our house for the millionth time and over the past few weeks we have shown the house over 10 times. I am praying for an offer in the next month. I have faith that it will sell in August.

On a slightly different note, Katelyn and I have been eating at Panda Express once a week (Chinese) and twice now in the past three weeks I have gotten fortunes in my cookie implying that I will be coming into a fortune (one actually said so, the other that a "windfall" would be coming my way). Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket:)

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Katelyn is currently with her daddy and Abuelita. I should be studying, so I am off. But I will leave a cute pic of Katelyn playing dress up... I love being the mommy of a sweet little princess!

Two more days

2008-06-12T21:37:00.002-04:00

I am going to see my baby again in two more days!!! I miss her so much. I can't wait until my vacation week -- I have worked constantly since October with a max of three days off in a row (and that was only once in December). We are going back to Ohio... I have two days of interviews (kinda sounds like work, right?), but I have three days off before and four days after to relax and spend time with my family. I hope the weather cooperates so we can do some fun things.

Today was a crazy day at work. I had all kinds of challenging patients today. And I feel like I am always running behind. It is sad b/c I don't want to run late, but I never want a patient to leave feeling like their concerns were not addressed. I am going to have to learn to do both (be faster AND still address concerns). I am working on it.

I know that Katelyn is having a great time with her daddy. She has been to the zoo, where she apparently fell in love with the rhino, gone swimming a lot, had a picnic at the park (her favorite) and tomorrow is going to see the fish at the aquarium. I wish that I was there experiencing those things with her. It is difficult not being a family of three. It isn't that I want to be with her father (Lord knows that would not be a good idea), but it is sad to see all of the other families together and having to split time with Katelyn. I did not have a baby expecting to have to be away from her for a single day... at least not because I have to be. I am really tired of being alone. I don't want to be with just anyone, but I want to really get out and date. And hopefully find my match. And be a family. I really hope to have more babies. Someday. But for now, I am learning to just be happy with my little girl. Two more days and we will be together again.

Time for a change

2008-06-11T20:00:00.002-04:00

I have been majorly MIA when it comes to my poor blog. There is no good reason other than I have been busy... trying to live in the moment, but failing miserably. I have made a few major decisions, however. Katelyn and I are going to make a big move. For me, it is moving back home, for Katelyn it will be moving closer to daddy - to Ohio. It has been so difficult to be so far away from family and to not have very many close friends. My friends here for the most part are happily married and have children and I work so much that it is difficult to find time to hang out.

I have sent in my application for an Ohio license and am waiting to hear more. I am praying that it is not as challenging as getting my Florida license, which was so stressful. I have been on one interview for a great job, just not the best job for me. I have three more interviews set for the first week in July and am hoping that one of them is a good fit. And then I will have to find a place to live. I continue to pray that this house will sell. I am trying to keep faith. I don't want to think about what my life will be like financially if it does not sell. At $96/ sq ft you would think someone would buy it.

Currently I am missing my baby girl. She has been gone for nearly two weeks - last week she was with my mom and this week she is with her daddy. I miss her like crazy, but I know it is good for both of us. I just wish I had more quality time to spend with her. I am hoping that the job I take will allow me much more time with Katelyn. I would love one day off per week to go do stuff - go to the zoo, museum, park, on playdates and anywhere else we feel like going.

I knew it was time to move on when I found myself thinking that I resented my job because it took me away from my child. And I love being a pediatrician. I love my patients. I hate being on call every other week and some of the parents are a giant pain. Some of them take advantage of our call system to avoid coming in during the week so they can be seen on the weekend or expect you to call in antibiotics over the phone w/o having to come in for an appointment. I don't think a person would have to go to medical school for 4 years and residency for 3 years if being a parent automatically gave you the ability to diagnose every illness or you could know everything about pediatrics because you read it on the internet. On the other hand, I feel like I am not being the best mom because I always have other things to do and cannot spend as much quality time as I would like. I am forever exhausted.

The tough part is going to be breaking it to the boss. She is going to kill me. I feel really bad, but I know that it is the best thing for me and Katelyn to move back to Ohio. It will allow her more time with her father, who at this point has spent about 45 days with her since he moved back to Ohio last April. Moving closer will allow him to see her more w/o the large cost of flying. Yet, I struggle a little because I hate being away from her.

Now that I have written a book, I will end with a promise that I will try to be better at blogging.

Proud Mama

2008-03-25T21:48:00.002-04:00

Katelyn really is my love. She looked so sweet in her Easter dress. I loved watching her hunt for her Easter treats. The Easter bunny brought her this sweet duck, which was hidden in an Easter egg with his feet sticking out. He also brought her Disney's Enchanted, a Book called "Little Quack's New Friend," her first set of markers (pip squeaks), and two beanie babies 2.0 (which are TY's version of Webkins). She got a little candy, but not too much. Unfortunately we went to a friends house and I left her there when I drove her dad back to the airport for him to drive home. When I got back, I found out she had been fed a ton of candy AND chips AND Cheetos and God knows what else. When I awoke in the morning, I opened the door and smelled ... vomit. Oh yes, she had thrown up all over her bed... and slept in it. Poor baby! I felt so bad.

I just love this sweet face!

I am so proud of her today because ...SHE WENT PEE PEE ON THE POTTY!!! A total of NINE times today. She has sat on it a ton, but never done anything except wipe her bottom. But today, she did it. The baby sitter had "naked booty camp" in her kitchen. Hilarious to pick up your child and see three naked hynies walking around. Anyways, I am so proud.

What makes you proud?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T21:17:00.004-04:00

I read my friend Angi's blog and feel bad that I am not so creative. But, I am Irish. My child did wear green today to the baby-sitter's house. But there was no green breakfast and due to the small size of our family these days, no corned beef and cabbage. I wish I lived closer to the beach to go to the Irish Pub. I am not a big drinker, but I do love a good Irish Pub.

I feel like I am not so good at Holidays this year. Probably b/c to me Holidays are all about family, and while my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me, two people just doesn't feel like a family. The holidays, no matter how small, seem to magnify the fact that I am "single" these days. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like a pity party.

I will leave you with a few Irish Blessings:

(1)
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.

(2)
As he brought new faith to Ireland so may he bring to you, a touch of Irish happiness in everything you do - and like the good Saint Patrick may your home and life be blessed with all God's special favors that make you happiest.

Good night and God Bless!

Happy St. Patrick

2008-03-17T21:17:00.000-04:00

Taxes = A Good Thing For Once

2008-03-12T20:52:00.003-04:00

Yes, I did my taxes and I am getting a very nice refund. Too bad it will all go to pay off one of my credit cards, but every bit helps.

We have been busy working (not fun) and playing (way fun!!) Katelyn loves playing at the playground. It is just about her favorite thing. She especially loves to go to the park with her cousins in Orlando. We went to visit her Titi(s) and Cousins a few weekends ago. We were sorry that we couldn't see all of them -- her Titi Edmali had to work at Disney, so she didn't get to see her or her family. She did get to play a ton with her cousins Paola and Dylan and she had a blast. It is so funny to see a just barely 2 year old try to keep up with a 5 and 7 year old. This is a cute pic from that day. The cousins were playing tag, so Katelyn decided to just climb. Funny thing was, they were using her as base :)

And another one. I love the pigtails. I wish that I had figured out how to put these pics up so that you can click on them to enlarge them. Someone will have to fill me in sometime.

I have been on call every other weekend, and with flu season it seems every time we leave the house, my pager goes off. Oh well. This past weekend we went out and bought a trailer so that she can come with me on bike rides. We didn't get a chance to try it out because it was SOOOOO WINDY (Like Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day).

Today we went for a long walk and then played at the "ducky playground" in our neighborhood. We ran into one my friends and her son (Katelyn's friend Luca). Then Katelyn decided that it would be fun to move dirt from one area to another and then she attempted to taste said dirt. So, we decided it was time to go. We ate dinner and took a bubble bath in "mommy's big tub." We ended the night with a snuggle and now she is in dreamland.

Hope your evening was as fun as ours.

A little down

2008-02-26T20:34:00.002-05:00

I have not been as good at posting as I would like to be. I have been super busy trying to balance work and single motherhood. I never thought I would be in this position. I wanted to get married, have babies, work part time. I realize that there were multiple issues with my marriage. Some mine, some his. I thought we would work it out. But he quit. And when someone tells me they quit, I know in my heart I will never trust them again. And since that time I have forgiven him. I have continued to say only positive things about him to our daughter. But he often disappoints me. He doesn't visit her as often as he should. When he does visit, he often goes out with his friends too (and gets drunk), which makes me crazy when I am paying for half of his ticket to visit. And it is not that I didn't want him to move on and be happy. But I am really concerned that in finding someone who is YOUNG and still doing the wild nights of partying, he will never grow up and be the father that I hoped he would be. At least not for Katelyn. It makes me sad. I want to believe that if I move back to Cincinnati so that she can see him more regularly, he will be responsible. But I am scared to death of what could happen if he doesn't. And I don't want him to disappoint her. That would break my heart. I want whomever becomes her step-mother to care about her, but not try to be her mother. I want to find someone to be my life-long partner, someone who will be another father figure, but not someone to be her father. I am surprised (and a little embarrassed) that I am so affected by his having a girlfriend. I guess in part it is how I found out. And when he does things like give Katelyn a birthday present from his GF and not tell her (or me) who it is from, and take a picture by the Christmas tree of the three of them like they are a family. I feel guilty, b/c I know so many others have a much bigger reason to be sad. I suppose you could even say I did this to myself, b/c I had my doubts from the beginning (there were signs). And for the first year I was doing fine. Why a year later is it really hitting me?

Sorry for the negative post. Guess that is why I haven't posted some days. I will try to be more uplifting in the future and to update more frequently.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T21:34:00.005-05:00

Katelyn and I have been busy this month with her 2nd birthday (on 2/2), Nana's Birthday (2/11)and now St. Valentine's Day.

First, for her birthday we had a party at the "Hands on Children's Museum." We invited two of her little friends, Luca and Raegan (and their parents), as well as her Titi Lee, Titi Edmali, Titi Iby, Tio Picu, (Tio Bill had to work), her cousins, Paola, Stephanie, Michael, Alex and Dylan, Nana and her "uncle" Juan. She had so much fun playing and eating pizza and cupcakes. Cupcakes were the theme. She loved her gift from mommy and daddy (a brand new PB kitchen set. She is so happy cooking up a storm. I can't believe that my baby is two years old.

We celebrated Nana's birthday last weekend by going out to dinner at Dave and Busters on Saturday night. Then we went to Dr. O'Reilly's (our good friend and Katelyn's pediatrician) on Sunday night to have dinner and cake. Katelyn was a little upset at first because it was not her birthday, but she was better when she realized that it didn't matter, she still got to eat the cake. Silly bug. Then, on her really birthday, Katelyn and Nana had pancakes and then we let nana have the day off (Katelyn went to the babysitter's house).

Today, I had to go to work. It is kind of a bah-humbug kind of day. I can't help it. I don't want to be with someone for the wrong reasons for sure, but I am tired of being alone on every holiday that passes. My only great valentine's day was my first one as a mother. Katelyn was 12 days old and I was already head over heels in love with her. I still am, and she is the love of my life, but I know it isn't healthy for her to be my one and only. And I have needs, too. I did have fun with Katelyn. We played and then took a bubble bath, then snuggled in bed reading "Pooh" and "Elmo" books. Now it is time for me to go to sleep... my pillows are calling.

Busy Getting Better

2008-01-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

Since my last post we have gone through another sinus infection, a stomach virus and surgery. Katelyn got her myringotomy tubes and her adenoids out last week on Wednesday (Jan 16) and she is finally back to her old sweet self. She is loving having her Nana back with us (for 2 whole months, yay!!) and playing with all of her new toys. Her big birthday present arrived last week and she asks regularly to "opey it." She is going to LOVE it (a play kitchen).

I can't believe that in just over a week my baby will be two years old. I never really understood when people told me to enjoy every minute b/c time flies. Now I understand completely. And I must say that I often choose spending time with my daughter over other things. I don't clean as much as I probably should. But when the time comes to look back on my life I know that I would never say, " I wish I had cleaned more."

Just look at that sweet face in her Minnie Mouse nightgown. My mom got it for her, and she got one for me and one for herself as well. I wish we had gotten a picture, but Katelyn was in no mood to cooperate earlier. Maybe another day.

Well, I had better get going to bed. TGIF tomorrow... just wish I wasn't on call ... AGAIN. Remind me not to take a job in the future where I am on call every other week. What was I thinking?

Happy Holidays and a Healthy New Year

2008-01-01T22:24:00.000-05:00

I have been terrible at keeping up my blog. My readers (okay, one reader besides family) probably thought I fell off the ends of the earth. So, I am writing to assure you that I am alive. I have my baby girl back home sleeping next to me in my BRAND NEW BED!!! I was tired of sleeping in a twin bed and so I finally had Rooms-to-Go deliver the bedroom set I ordered 3 months ago. Who knows, maybe it will help sell the house. It is gorgeous... will be even more gorgeous when they deliver the fourth post that they forgot so that I can put up the canopy.

The week before Christmas was hectic as Katelyn AGAIN spiked a fever despite antibiotics and was cranky and her ears looked horrible, so despite a grand total of 23 days of oral antibiotics she ended up with 3 days of Rocephin shots (a strong antibiotic) and a procedure in the ENT's office where he put her in a papoose, popped holes in her ear drums and sucked out the yucky stuff to send for culture. Unfortunately we were flying to Nana's house the next day, so she had to have antibiotic injections 2 out of the 3 days were were there and the last day we flew back. It was too short of a trip. And I am super homesick, despite hating the cold.

Christmas was nice. I opened a few gifts with Katelyn at home on Christmas Eve before heading over to Dr. O's house for dinner. Christmas Day we opened more presents, packed up and headed to Orlando to see daddy, Abuelita, Abuelito, and all the Titi's, Tio's and Primos. Unfortunately we ended up with very few pictures. I forgot mine at Dr. O's so only had a few pics I took on Christmas Eve, then we took a ton in Orlando but when Edmond put the disk in the computer to burn a CD, the computer formatted the disk, thus erasing everything. But we do have the memories. Katelyn learned how to open the presents all by herself and once she could see the gift she would say, "Opey it, pease!" This was followed by, "nother one?" And so it went... the funniest moment was when she opened up the gift her Titi Lee got her, which was the giant Minnie Mouse she had fallen in love with at Disney, and she said, "Minnie Mouse!!! Where'd Mickey go?" I also found it funny that she tossed aside any and all boxes that could contain clothes w/o even opening the lid or looking in the bag. Her favorites were the baby doll cradle from Mommy, the baby doctor table and kit from daddy, Minnie Mouse and baby Emma from Santa that goes pee pee on the potty.

New Years was fun. I spent it in Orlando with Katelyn, her daddy and his family. Okay, so it may seem weird, but we get along fine, so why not. I spent the night there and drove back today.

As for Katelyn, her ears may finally be healed -- Praise God. The culture ended up growing Strep Pneumo (which is a bacteria she was immunized against with the Prevnar vaccine) and it was resistant to every oral antibiotic approved for children. Only Vancomycin (one of the strongest IV antibiotics available) and Levaquin (fluoroquinalones... a family of antibiotics which orally are really only approved for teens and adults). Ciprodex, an antibiotic ear drop, was the only thing that killed the bug that she was prescribed. Not only does that scare the living crap out of me, but pisses me off a little. My child never had a single antibiotic until she was almost 20 months old when she had her first ear infection and this was her second infection and already she was resistant to everything. Makes me want to smack upside the head all the patients I have seen who want an antibiotic for their child's cold -- A COLD IS A VIRUS and ANTIBIOTICS WON'T HELP because they kill BACTERIA; and a VIRUS is NOT a BACTERIA!!!!!!! Sorry, but it gets really frustrating, particularly since I know some other idiot doctors just prescribe the antibiotic despite the fact that it will not help and may actually hurt the patient or someone who comes in contact with them and their resistant bacteria. Sorry for that rant, but I am more of a naturalist and believe that medications have their place, but you must let your body do some of the work and there are no quick fixes. Thankfully, the ENT is going to be able to put tubes in Katelyn's ears and take out her adenoids later this month in hopes that she will actually be able to breath out of her nose well for the first time in forever (she has been a mouth breather since shortly after birth due to what we now know to be large adenoids and snores and is always stuffy).

As for me, I am hoping for a better year -- it won't take much given my last year. And I could use all the prayers available to get through until my contract is up b/c I HATE my new job. There are multiple reasons for this, but I am miserable. I love what I do, but I am not doing the job I was "sold" before signing a contract. And it may get worse before it gets better. I am just not sure how much more I can take before completely losing my cool. All the friends I have spoken to about my situation have been shocked that I have not totally lost it on my boss. And if it weren't for having to pay $10,000 if I break my contract I would be so out of there unless some major changes are made. Sorry, another rant. I am trying to get it all out now so that the rest of the year I can focus on the positive. Some MAJOR changes are gonna be a coming my way and hopefully things will all fall into place.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and GOD BLESS!!!

Illness and Ho Ho Ho

2007-12-11T22:00:00.000-05:00

Finally, I am starting to feel better. I have been sick for over two weeks. I initially caught something from Katelyn while she was sick. I had a runny nose and cough, no big deal. Then, on Friday I started to feel worse. I developed a fever, chills, sore throat, swollen tonsils... I had not felt this bad in years. But today I think I may be turning the corner.

Unfortunately, Katelyn may be getting worse. She had finally stopped coughing, the nose was not running, her ear was not draining pus (oh yeah, that ear infection was BAD). But the day after she stopped her 17th day of antibiotics, she started coughing again. And this morning, just as I was pulling into the daycare, she coughed and THREW UP all over herself in the carseat. Poor baby. I had to carry her shirtless into the daycare b/c her extra clothes were in her cubby. She seems okay, off and on, but she coughs a lot when she lays down. I just hope her ears don't get infected again. I hate it when my baby is hurting. It breaks my heart.

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On a happier note, Katelyn seems to be getting really into Christmas this year. She loves driving around looking at Christmas lights... "Another one, lights!" And I taught her how to say "Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!" although it comes out "Ho Ho, Christmas!" I have not taken her to see Santa, yet, but she has seen Santa decorations and we have been talking about how Santa is going to come and bring her some toys. We also talk about Jesus and his birthday. But yesterday when I quizzed her and said "Who is going to bring you presents on Christmas?" she answered "Snowman!" -- This couldn't possibly be because I have a ton of Snowman decorations and not near as many of Santa.

Here she is "Just looking, mama!"

I just hope we both feel better for the weekend, because we are going to Disney World with her Titi's to see Minnie and Mickey and all the pretty Christmas decorations -- maybe even see Santa.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2007-12-02T22:32:00.001-05:00

I finally was able to decorate the house for Christmas. Ok, just the inside -- I just can't do the outside this year. But I did buy a little tree (just a 4 1/2 ft pre-lit baby tree) which will be perfect for Katelyn next year to use as her own personal tree. When they go on sale I will buy a big one. I love real trees, but they make such as mess and I am so paranoid about starting a fire that I can't enjoy it as much as I would like. I set up my houses, decorated the mantle and put out the kitchen and guest bath decorations as well. I even bought myself a new Christmas CD (Josh Groban).

Katelyn is hilarous with the tree. I put it up while she was sleeping, so all day she has been obsessed with it. If only she would not touch it. It is funny, though, because she sits down really close to the houses and the tree and says, "just looking, mommy!" all the while her little hands are touching the Pooh, Percy or Thomas on the tree, the Church Steeple or various other ornaments or decorations. Once I even overheard her say, "just looking, fingers." How cute is that?

All I have left is to get a new wreath to hang above the fireplace. The picture that hangs there is just not doing it. I did find a 40% off coupon to use at Jo Ann's, but I have to get over there by Wednesday... we will say if I can manage that.

I am almost finished with my Christmas shopping. I know what I want to get for the rest of the people on my list, but I have to find the time to get out to get (or get online to order) them.

I meant to post earlier in the week... I even tried for a few days, but I was unsuccessful at logging onto Blogger. It was strange. Hopefully tomorrow I can log on and get a few pics of my decor and my cute baby girl.

Have a Great Monday!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T22:21:00.000-05:00

Hope all of you are having a very lovely Thanksgiving holiday. I am missing my baby girl, especially since her daddy called me to let me know he was taking her to Urgent Care b/c she was cranky and I have been telling him all week it sounded like she had an ear infection (fever off and on, cranky, not sleeping as well). And, of course, I was right. So now she is on some antibiotics and I hope that she is on the mend by the time I get her back on Saturday. And I hope that her plane ride is okay. I can't believe that this is the second time in 2 months she has had an ear infection -- both since weaning her from breastfeeding. Could be coincidence, but I am not so sure. And, it isn't just daycare, b/c the first time she wasn't even in daycare yet.

Edmond did put up some pics for me to see from the day which I love. He did a good job picking a cute dress for her to wear.

I definitely know what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving: my baby girl, my mom, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, nieces and nephews, good friends, a roof over my head (even if it is not the roof I hope to have since the house just will not sell), clothes on my back, food in my belly and the ability to Christmas shop like I have been this past week.

Have a blessed day and a good "Black Friday." Happy Shopping :)

It has been awhile

2007-11-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that it has been almost three weeks since I last wrote... such a slacker. I have been trying to enjoy my daughter in the short amount of time we have together these days. But this week she is with daddy, so I am left on my own.

I am finally getting in the groove at work. I am enjoying it more as well, although I still miss Katelyn while I am at work. I really cannot stress enough how much I need prayers for this house to sell. I spend THREE HOURS in the car EVERY day going back and forth to work. It is torture. And if I lived closer to work it would give me an extra 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day with Katelyn playing instead of riding in the car. And I know that she misses me, because her teachers say that she talks about me all day "mommy doctor, go work." It has made me appreciate my time with her even more. And, I find my most meaningful moments are spent with Katelyn going through our bedtime routine -- splashing in the bath, getting on pj's, reading stories and snuggling. It is funny b/c she has started saying "no night night yet" when it is getting close to bedtime, and she says "go snuggle, mommy's bed" when she is getting sleepy. I can't believe that a few months ago she had a vocabulary of about 25 words max. Now she uses 3 - 5 words in a sentence.

She was very excited to go bye-bye on the airplane. She kept saying "mommy go bye-bye" and "Katelyn go bye-bye" and I had to tell her that mommy was staying home b/c I had to work and she was going to go with daddy on the airplane. When I got her all packed she was wanted to pull her own suitcase (as you can see below). She was a little disturbed when the lady at the airport put her suitcase on the conveyor belt at check-in. She kept saying "Katelyn's case." We had to explain that she would get it back at daddy's house. I hated leaving her. Edmond said that when they were walking to security and I walked the opposite direction (she was looking back at me which about broke my heart) she kept saying "Mommy go work." But I know that they both need this week to figure things out and build their relationship. And I am glad that he wants to spend time with her. Apparently today he went shopping and bought her a dress that was more "fall-ish" for Thanksgiving (I had sent a dress that was black and red and he wanted to save it for New Years) as well as some tights, shoes and something for her hair. I hope that he takes a lot of pictures so I can see her all dressed up. I am going to miss her like crazy. Although every day is Thanksgiving for me, b/c I thank God every day for sending Katelyn to me.

Here she is getting ready for her trip to Cincinnati:

And then she decided she wanted to ride it... she kept saying "horse... neigh."

She is just the cutest little munchkin in the whole world (if I do say so myself).

2007-11-03T22:53:00.003-04:00

2007-11-03T22:53:00.001-04:00

First Trick-or-Treat

2007-11-01T21:49:00.001-04:00

Katelyn's first Halloween was a success, despite the fact that she did not have a nap at

daycare :( She looked so cute as a little ladybug. We went over to Dr. O'Reilly's house and ate dinner before heading out around 7. We just went down the street and back, but it was plenty. Katelyn started to say "home, bye-bye" and I knew she was worn out. She didn't quite get it all and I never could get her to say "trick" or "treat" (I knew she would never put it all together). She was very sweet, though, and she signed "thank you" each time. She also signed "please" a few times. She was very pleased that a few of the houses remembered the little ones and had "minems" as she calls M&M's. Her only disappointment was when many of the people were already outside so she couldn't "ding-dong" (press the door bell), which was the highlight of her evening. Her most favorite house had two white rocking chairs like the ones at Cracker Barrel and she kept saying "mommy seat" and "Kaylin seat" and trying to climb in it. It was so sweet.

We gave my Boss's daughter all of the candy that was not toddler friendly, except the Peanut Butter Cups... those are for mommy. One guy even asked Katelyn what mommy would like, and through one in her bag, so I didn't feel bad about keeping them. Just before 8 I put my exhausted baby into her car seat. She took two sips of milk and put her binky in -- about 5 minutes later (or less), she was out. She slept all the way home and I just changed her diaper and put her in a tee shirt (yes it is still hot here) and layed her in her bed.

Today was back to the grind. And while I was giving Katelyn a bath I noticed a mark on her arm that looked an awful lot like... teeth marks. Yes, she has been in daycare 4 days and already some other little munchkin has bitten my baby. Grrrr!!! As I pediatrician I know that there are and will always be some kids who are biters. And it has nothing to do with the home they come from or how they are raised. And it is the one thing that I was nervous about happening to my baby at daycare. It may have been a little better had I been told about the happenings by the daycare teacher. I was told that they would have to fill out an incident report if something like that happened... and no one even told me. First, I cried (okay so I am a little sensitive). Then I called my mom (I needed some perspective). She pointed out that they may not have noticed and just to let them know tomorrow so they can be on the lookout for who the biter may be. I have a small suspicion b/c there is one little boy who is always pulling hair and pinching the other kids. He tried to pinch Katelyn when we had just walked in the door on her FIRST day. I hope that it doesn't become a regular occurrence, or I am going to have to rethink daycare.

We made it!

2007-10-29T20:26:00.000-04:00

We made it though Katelyn's first day of daycare, and I didn't even cry. Mostly because she only cried for about 2 minutes before she realized there were a lot of fun toys and new friends to play with. She had a blast and her teachers already love her... they say she is so cute and sweet and smart. She helped them clean the whole classroom and was a "doll." I can't say I disagree :) I just hope they still think she is so great after "miss TT" (temper tantrum) comes out. Thankfully it isn't too often... yet.

But, after only one week of working, I miss my baby already. I hope that someday I really will find that balance of work and quality time with my baby. But for now, I gotta put my time in.

A Real Doctor

2007-10-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have only been working for three days, but I am starting to feel like a "real" doctor. I have a license, a DEA number (so I can write prescriptions), and I am working on getting approved by all of our practices insurance companies and getting hospital privileges so I can see newborns at the hospital. And, I feel torn between my responsibilities to my patients and my daughter. I have stayed later than planned every day. Luckily this week my friend watched Katelyn. However, next week she starts daycare and I am really nervous about being late to pick her up. I can't afford to pay $1 per minute if I am late. And it seems ridiculous that I would be late (past 6:30), but it is getting to be fall and soon winter and that means colds, flu, gastroenteritis, RSV... and on and on. It is seriously giving me palpitations thinking about it. I am already missing spending time with her. I went from all day every day to about 15-30 minutes in the morning and an hour at night. At least I got off early today (and will every Wednesday) and I can spend most of the weekend with her even if I am on call.

Katelyn has continued to learn many new words each day. Today she went with her friend Reagan and her mom to the zoo. This morning monkeys were "EEE EEE's" and this afternoon they were "monkeys," lions were "rahhhr" and now the are "li-ons." It is actually a little sad :( It is cute that she has started calling herself "Katin." I am still waiting for "I love you," but she does say "too" or "you too" when you tell her I love you. Probably because she has heard us on the phone say so many times "I love you, too."

Well, tomorrow I have a lot of errands to run. I have some birthday presents to buy for 2 babies I know are turning one. I have a bunch of paperwork to fill out for work. I have to look at the papers for the child support revision (since Katelyn is starting daycare and I am now making more money than my ex). I had better get to bed.

Tommorow is the day

2007-10-21T21:07:00.000-04:00

I start working tomorrow, so this weekend I just enjoyed the time with my daughter. She really is so funny. She is becoming more and more verbal each day. She learned another color (pink) and today she pointed out the letter "L" on our for sale sign in the front yard. I swear that I have not been a hypocrite. I am a mom who believes in playing for fun and I think that it is sad that so many parents make their children learn to count to 1 million, add, subtract, multiply, read and speak 3 languages before they go to preschool. OK, I am exaggerating a little, but I believe in reading to your children from birth (or before) and playing with them -- getting down and dirty. That is how they learn best. So Katelyn became interested in colors when we started playing with play-doh. She decided that her favorite one was the red one, but couldn't tell me at first, so I would say "do you want the blue one?" and she would say "no;" and then "do you want the purple one?" and she said "no;" finally I said "do you want the red one?" and she said "yes." So then we started pointing out all of the colors in everything. And we read tons of books every day, and sometimes it includes the pat the bunny alphabet book, so it is no surprise that she has started to recognize some of the letters. There are a few words that we really need to work on, though, b/c they sound like the "F" word (frog, fog, truck).

It has been so much fun playing with Katelyn over the last 8 weeks. She has changed so much. Her favorite things are baby dolls, doggies (which she finally started saying instead of "fff fff"), Pooh and Tigger, Mickey and Minnie Mouse and "choo choo frains." She first played with the Thomas train set at the bookstore, then she saw the trains at the Yankee Candle Factory Store in Williamsburg. They run on tracks up high through some of the different rooms. She LOVED them. She kept looking for one and saying "hi choo choo frain" and "bye bye choo choo frain." She was laughing and smiling. And one of the rooms is made to look like a winter scene in a town square complete with snow (every 5 minutes). Katelyn thought it was fabulous... she even got to meet Santa Clause who was there working on his Christmas list of good and bad boys and girls from the area. It was so wonderful to see things again for the first time through her eyes. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas. It is going to be so much fun with her, even if we spend it just the two of us.

Tomorrow ends my time as a SAHM. I have enjoyed it, but I definitely have a new appreciation for those women who do it every day. At work, you get a few moments to yourself when you go to the restroom or to lunch. But when you are a SAHM it is 24/7. I think that the best choice for me ultimately would be to work just part-time (2 1/2 - 3 days/week) and spend the other days with my daughter (and hopefully someday be joined by some other babies). I am excited to take care of my "babies" again, but I will miss my baby every day... especially for the next few months when the hours will be longer. I need prayers that I will get my DEA number, hospital privileges and be approved by the insurance companies ASAP so that I can begin working on my own in one office.

Real World, Here I Come

2007-10-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

First, a brief explanation for my absence... Well, couldn't get onto my wireless network, computer got a virus, paid a lot of money to get files backed up and then my hard drive wiped out and reconfigured. I bought a desktop computer and it came a few days ago. Still couldn't get on the wireless network. So, I bought a new router and now we are up and running.

This is officially my last completely free weekend. I start my new job on Monday. Yes, I finally got my license. I am still waiting on my DEA number and have to get approval from all of the insurances to be a provider. Until then I will have to be wherever the boss is and if she doesn't work, I don't work. And there will be ALOT of driving (40 miles to the beach, 20 miles to the second office, 20 miles back to the beach and 40 miles home EVERY DAY). But, on the bright side I will no longer be broke. And, God willing, this house will sell soon and cut out about 40 miles of that driving. And as soon as I get approved by the insurance providers (I hope that I don't have any issues with that) I will be primarily in one office and hope to live right down the street. I am excited to start working, but a little nervous. In my spare time (ha) I will be studying for the Pediatric Boards, which I will have to take next October.

Last weekend Katelyn and I went to Williamsburg (VA) to visit my sister and her family. It was wonderful, except for Katelyn tripping over a hula hoop at Shawn's dance studio and getting a fat lip (poor baby is a klutz just like her momma). Perfect fall weather (in the evenings, at least) with some leaves changing. We almost met Rachel, Brian, Lily, Jess T, Syndey and Marc as they were at Pumkinville at the same time we were... Unfortunately, I got a glimpse of them right as they were walking to their car and we were on the hayride. I guess it just wasn't meant to be (at least not yet). We also went to Newtown where Katelyn had a "cheeze bugga" and got to play in the fountain. We went to the outlet mall and got Katelyn two pairs of shoes... a pair of patent leather dress shoes and a pair of sparkly tennis shoes (I think that Hannah would approve) from the Stride Rite outlet. I find myself wishing often that I lived there. I just don't have the nerve to move to another new city just yet. Maybe in a few years when I am not a brand new doc. I was sad to come home, but it was good to be in my own bed and have Katelyn in her crib instead of backing me into a corner while she takes over the rest of the bed. Although I do love snuggling with her. My only regret was that I forgot my camera. My sister took some pics, though, so I hope to have a few to add when she can email them to me.

Well, I best be getting to bed. Gotta rest up for Monday.

Praying that things are finally coming together

2007-10-03T22:08:00.000-04:00

OK, so I almost have my license... check.
I have a job... check.
I have a daycare arranged for Katelyn... check, check

But, I still need an exact start date for work -- b/c I am broke (and I am not even exaggerating; I have about $10 in my checking account, a $20 in my wallet and maybe $70 in my savings so about $100 to last for the next month).

And, I really need this house to sell (which would also help the financial situation). I so want to be in my new place for the holidays. Christmas is going to be a little sad this year with just Katelyn and myself. It seems that my future employer decided to take the week off... despite the fact that I told said employer prior to signing the contract that I had my daughter this year and needed the holidays off every other year due to the divorce agreement. At least I could be in my new place with furniture in every room. And sleeping in my new bed, which I have purchased, but have not had delivered yet b/c I don't want to set it up only to move it.

I know there are a lot worse things... but my family is really important to me, and I was hoping to see them for the holidays since I didn't get to see them last year.

I am enjoying the time with Katelyn. She is such a precious girl. She is cuddly and sweet, so smart and funny. She brings me so much joy. She has been talking more and more. She is even trying to learn her numbers and colors. She says "red" (and it often means red), she also said "purple" once (appropriately), but not consistent yet. She points out a few letters and says some numbers in order. Yesterday we were at dinner b/c of the rain ("oh no, rain... uh oh" as Katelyn says whenever it rains) and she kept saying "food... eat... food" until the waitress brought her meal out ahead of mine; it was pretty funny. Then we had to run to the car in the rain and despite an umbrella I got soaked. So Katelyn kept saying "mama... wet." She didn't mind the rain too much though b/c it bought her some time playing at the bookstore with the choo choo trains (the Thomas set) while we waited to see if the rain would die down (it never did). My Christmas list just keeps getting longer.

And, I am starting to learn how to live in the moment a little more and not worry so much. Even though I have worried some, I am surprisingly relaxed about everything. I have faith that things will come together. But it will be in God's time... not mine. But prayers are appreciated.

Now I had better get to bed. Goodnight and sweet dreams. May your worries be lessened overnight.

Home Sweet Home

2007-09-30T20:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been over two weeks since we have been home. First we packed up and went to Nana's house for her big surgery. Her total knee replacement was a success. She is doing so well that she was able to come home today. Unfortunately, Katelyn was sick the ENTIRE time we were gone. She had the cold mentioned in the last post complete with congestion/runny nose, cough, decreased appetite and loose stools. Then just when she seemed to be on the mend, she spiked a fever to 104 and I had to take her to the doctor. Turns out she had an ear infection. And boy was she ever cranky... it was colic revisited. All she wanted to do was be held and cuddle on the couch watching "stories" on the "cc" (tv). So we watched a ton of Barney, Bear in the Big Blue House, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Vegie Tales as well as quite a few Disney movies. And to top it off she fell in the shower and got a huge bruise on her forehead and a little one on her cheek. All the while I was trying to get my mom's house cleaned up and in order for her to come back home... and I had the dog to take care of. She followed me around everywhere I went... I about tripped over her 17 times. And to top things off, Edmond ended up getting Rota Virus... so instead of babysitting for me, he was stuck in bed all weekend. I only got to see my mom for about 30 minutes at a time instead of a few hours a day as I had planned. All in all, it was not the trip I had planned on. Of course I suppose they never are exactly. Such is life.

But on the positive side, my mom is doing great and is back at home with plenty of close friends and my brother/sister in law and nieces to take care of her. Katelyn is started to feel much better, although still clingy and not quite back to herself. And yesterday I finally got some good news about my license, so I should be able to start working by the end of the month. Just in time, since I am about to be broke. Now if only this house would sell.

I am happy to be home. Although it was wonderful to experience some of the autumn I miss so much. I plan on taking Katelyn up to Williamsburg to see my sister -- we are going to take her to the pumpkin patch. We might even make it to Hallo-scream at Busch Gardens (where my brother in law works).

I will leave you with a pic of my little bug's first pigtails (they lasted about 2 hours before her hair fell back into a million curls, but it was sweet while it lasted).

My poor baby

2007-09-13T22:24:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been a busy week. I have been enjoying spending time with Katelyn. Unfortunately she started getting a runny nose on Monday when she woke up from her nap. Then on Tuesday she developed a cough. She has been running a low grade fever (101) off and on. She has also been a little fussy. Poor baby. When your child is sick all you want to do is make it better. Thankfully she has not been sick very often. I like to think it was from the breastfeeding -- 18 months worth. She weaned herself a few days after getting back from her first long visit with her daddy.

Today has been a whirlwind with a doctor's appointment, out to lunch, long drive because the baby fell asleep on the way home, drop off a prescription at the pharmacy, finish packing for our 2 week trip to Nana's house only to get a phone call that they wanted to show the house at 7pm (it was 5:52 pm... giving me a little over an hour to get ready), so it was a quick cleaning and then we were off again. We came home and I got the baby ready for bed. The people then came to see the house around 8pm... didn't realize they hadn't come. Oh well. I keep praying that this house will sell soon.

Anyways, sorry for the babble. I will leave you with a funny pic of Katelyn being "cool." She is such a ham.

The Weekend

2007-09-09T20:47:00.000-04:00

I had the B-E-S-T day with Katelyn on Friday. We got up around 7:45 and started our day with breakfast (including coffee, which Katelyn now insists on sharing with mama). Then, we watched Barney and got ready to go check out some daycare centers. I just loved the first one we went to. It was a Kindercare, and while the building wasn't as impressive as the Tutor Time we visited, I fell in love with the people. It was just so evident that the teachers loved the kids. And that was what I was looking for to feel like it is okay to leave her at daycare because she is being truly cared for. And she loved it... she got right down and started playing with the kids and the toys. She didn't seem to care that she was the only girl in a room full of little boys. And I am not worried, as I know one shrill scream and they will back off :) The second daycare was one of those impressive on paper, but definitely had more of a school feeling -- and at the age of 1 1/2 I really don't feel like my child needs a curriculum. I will put her in preschool when she is 3, but not before. After checking out the daycare centers, we headed to the Loop for pizza and "minade" (lemonade) for Katelyn, a coke for me.

We were headed home when I looked in the rear view mirror to find my baby sound asleep. Well, she does NOT transfer well, so I decided we had better keep driving in order to have a nap. And where better to drive than the beach. She slept for a little over an hour. Then we did a little shopping at Target, since I was wearing jeans and it was 86 degrees outside. Next we headed for "One Hot Cookie" -- it is the coolest place where you pick out your dough (brownie, sugar or chocolate chip) and as many toppings as you want and they bake it and give it to you right out of the oven. And you can have it plane or topped with ice cream (which apparently you can also have toppings mixed in). I choose to enjoy the cookie by itself, and my personal favorite is brownie dough with m&m's and thin mints... it is to die for. Katelyn was in heaven as she is my little cookie monster -- she even has a tee shirt that says "I did it all for the cookie."

Finally, we headed for the beach with our towels, bucket, shovels and the diaper bag. At first she did not like walking on the sand. But once I got her to the more flat sand, she was fine. She saw a seagull and started running after it saying "buh." Next I took her to put her feet in the ocean. She enjoyed feeling the wet sand between her toes, and when the water came up over her feet she got really excited. But, I guess I should have thought ahead because the next thing you know she had plopped herself right down on her tushy... in her clothes. Oops. So, I figured, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and I plopped right down in back of her. Then we waded further in, and she tried to just keep walking in over her head. Every time the waves crashed into her, she thought it was hilarious. I admit that I was a little nervous, so I held onto her with both hands the entire time we were in the water. Next we went back to our towel, I stripped her down to her diaper and let her play in the sand with her bucket and shovels. She had fun filling it up and dumping it out. I had to keep moving our stuff because the tide was coming in. At about the fourth move, I decided it was time to head out. And, since we were at the beach, we went to visit Dr. O'Reilly. Of course Katelyn was wearing only a diaper, since her clothes were wet and sandy. But she didn't seem to care. She made herself at home in the waiting room, playing with all of the toys. We waited for Dr. O and she invited us back to her house for dinner.

On the way to Dr. O'Reilly's house Katelyn said "Josh" ("shosh") and "Tori" for the first time. She was excited to see them and the kitties. She loves going to their house to play. She makes herself right at home since she knows where all the good things are. We put Katelyn in one of Josh's Spiderman t-shirts. She looked so cute. It had stripes on the sleeves and with her hair still up in a pom-pom, she looked like a little cheerleader wearing a jersey. On the way home she conked out, and she barely woke up as I changed her diaper and put her into bed. It really was the perfect day. I only wish I had gotten some good pictures from the day.

Here is an example of the "pompom" hairdo

Saturday was not too exciting. We ran a few errands and did stop at the mall to play at the indoor playground. It was raining outside and Katelyn kept saying "rain... uh oh... oh dear" -- it was so sweet. We had lunch at the mall and went home for a nap. When she woke up we watched her Barney zoo movie. Then I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner; meatballs are the one thing containing meat that Katelyn will always eat. And today was another day of "adventures in babysitting." Katelyn was a little better, but still acts like a little bit of a brute. Hopefully she will learn to share at daycare. The day was fairly easy, though, because Luca slept for 3 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, since he still wasn't feeling the greatest, and Katelyn slept for 2 hours; 30 minutes were overlapping, so I got a little time to myself even.

I am feeling old

2007-09-06T20:32:00.000-04:00

OK, so I know I am not really old, but I sure am tired. I can't believe that I used to babysit all the time for anywhere from 1 to 6 children and be no worse for the wear. In fact, I spend 4 days a week babysitting for a family with twins and another baby 14 months older as well as 5 year old for an entire summer -- actually watched them for 2 summers beginning when the twins were newborns. And, while not always easy, most days I felt energized.

Well, today I babysat for a friend's baby who is 10 months old. And my 19 month old little girl was not really happy to share her mommy (or her toys). It was funny really to watch the two of them fight over her baby strollers. In his defense, Luca, or "bebe la la" as Katelyn calls him, really just wanted something to push so he could walk, and I later caught him head butting one of her dolls. Katelyn did give him quite a few hugs and loving pats as well, and she kept pulling out is binky and giving him a sip of water from his cup and then sticking the binky back in his mouth (it was hilarious and sweet). But I digress.

I realized today how difficult it must be to be a stay at home mom with two kids less than a year apart. The little one still takes 2 naps and mine is down to one nap. His, around 9:30 ish for about an hour and mine around noonish for 1.5-2 hours, then his again around 3ish for 1.5 hours. So, one of them is sleeping most of the day, but not together, so no rest for the weary. You can't even leave the house b/c someone needs to nap. And, I only have one high chair, so I had to feed them in shifts. Since Katelyn thinks she needs to eat whenever she sees food she whined through each of his meals. In my free time, I picked up the toys that had exploded all over the family room.

After Luca's mommy picked him up, Katelyn had one temper tantrum after another for the next hour or so. I finally got her to the park (a feat that took about 15-20 minutes since she insisted on bringing her stroller and most of her babies) to allow her to run off some energy. After 20 minutes or so at the park her little cheeks were red and her hair was saturated; I got her to cooperate and get in the stroller for the ride home. And then I was a lazy mommy... I took her to McDonald's (I know, it is horrible, and I swore my child would NEVER have fast food) for a cheeseburger, apples and milk (had to be a little healthy). We came home, had a bath with MiMi (one of her favorite bath books from Baby Einstein) and her new Corolle Tidoo baby doll. She was so sweet with her baby... she didn't want to leave her in the tub to dry, so I had to find a towel for her (I used a hand towel). She held that baby and kept kissing her. She made sure that the baby could hear the bedtime stories as well. And then I convinced her that her other baby needed to be the one to go to bed with her (so I could hang Tidoo up to dry :) I snuggled in the rocker listening to lullabies and then put Katelyn in her bed. She gave me a sweet smile as I told her goodnight. I just love our bedtime routine!

I watched one of my shows on the DVR that I missed earlier in the week and now I am watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun as I type this. And I am exhausted... so I think I will go to bed super early. See, I am getting old. And tomorrow I get to explore some daycare centers.

My simple pleasures...

2007-09-03T20:54:00.000-04:00

So, my goal was to post daily... guess I sorta failed at that. In my defense, I did write one post after the last one, but I decided that it was too negative. My life goal has been to be more optimistic and focus on the positives, so I saved the draft and then didn't post. It was therapeutic, though.

Any who. I needed a post related to my title. Since I am now single again I have begun dating (though not frequently). While getting to know one of the "eligible bachelors" (I swear dating is like a job interview at this age), we emailed some questions back and forth. One question that really got me thinking was "what are your simple pleasures (kids don't count because they are not simple)?" It took only a moment for me to start listing... but I soon realized that it was all of these simple pleasures that make life worth living. Waking up next to someone you love, a good cup of coffee, a sunrise, the sand between my toes at the beach, walking on the beach holding hands, hearing the waves crash into shore, a first kiss, followed by a second/third/fourth (you get the idea), a good hug, getting whistled at (OK, so it should be insulting, but admit that it makes you feel just a little good), still getting carded for alcohol, chocolate, fresh baked cookies, having someone say "I love you," feeling appreciated, clean laundry smell, making love, laying in bed listening to a rainstorm, cuddling, snuggling up under a blanket with a good book, looking at the stars, laying in a hammock, a good lipstick, sexy lingerie under your work clothes, pasta, a good laugh, talking to my best friend(s) on the phone, going to dinner with a friend, late night talks with my mom, laying in bed with my daughter reading her stories, the way kids mispronounce words, watching kids play, swinging, lounging by the pool, a walk in the woods, feeding the ducks, getting real mail, listening to music, the smell of popcorn, the way you feel after a good work out, freshly shaven legs, getting your hair washed at the salon, a massage, singing out loud, a bubble bath (especially by candle light with music in the background), wrapping up in a towel just out of the dryer in the winter, a clean house... and so many more.

What are your simple pleasures? Think about it, I would love to hear from people.

My two favorite girls -- my daughter and my mom (aka Nana)

My list

2007-08-27T20:30:00.001-04:00

So, I have a few things to accomplish while taking time off to enjoy with Katelyn. And today I did two of them. I refinanced my car since the lease is up in October and I decided to buy it. And, I called about getting cobra insurance to cover me while I am waiting for my license to go through. I didn't realized just how fortunate I was to have insurance fully covered for me and my family during residency. For example, my entire pregnancy and delivery cost a grand total of about $150... that was for some labs that were not otherwise necessary. Today, reality set in when I learned that "family coverage" for just myself and my daughter was over $1000/month... it would have been the same if I had a whole bunch of kids. Who can afford that? Hopefully my ex's insurance will cover Katelyn in an emergency and I can get coverage for just me for the month and then I can add her when I start my new job.

Next I have to check out of residency. My official last day is tomorrow. It is weird to be done after so many years. Of course I will never be done with the studying -- things change to frequently in medicine not to stay up to date. And, I have to buy a plane ticket for Katelyn and I to fly to Ohio to stay with my mom during her surgery. She is having a total knee replacement on September 21. Prayers are welcome and appreciated. I am a little anxious about anyone I am close to going through surgery, especially my mom...

And the rest of my list is full of things that I can't wait to do with Katelyn. I am just hoping that the heat wave ends in the near future so that we can enjoy places like the beach and the zoo without fear of heat exhaustion. I want to take her to the hands on museum and Disney World and O2B Kids. Of course I love spending the quiet times with her as well, reading, playing baby dolls, coloring, singing, dancing and snuggling. I, too, have been guilty in the recent past of living my life like there is always tomorrow. Well, in Hannah's memory I am going to try harder to not wait until tomorrow and start living today in the moment. Yeah, as the song says, "start living, that's the next thing on my list." I'm off to curl up with a good book and a glass of wine.

It's time to start loving Sundays

2007-08-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

For too long now I have dreaded Sunday. The entire day was ruined for the simple fact that it was the day before Monday... which meant that another week of school, work, you name it. Even when I started working these crazy hours which included weekends and occasionally had days off during the week, I still dreaded Sunday. Strange that this is supposed to be the day of the week where you take the day off to reflect, go to church, spend time with family. My first mistake was getting out of the habit of going to church. Church used to be the place where I felt most at peace. In fact, it was the only place where I felt safe as a child. I didn't miss a Sunday through most of my first 18 years. Then when I went away to college I started going more on occasion. In medical school I made an attempt at going more regularly, but it was short lived. Then I got married, moved to a new state and started residency. I had my daughter and got her baptized. And still I didn't have a church. My husband was an "esperitismo" while I was Lutheran. It was difficult to find a place we could both go. Even after we divorced and my mom went to church every week I didn't go. As cheesy as it sounds I have heard God calling me back. Well, I realize that in order to start loving Sundays, I have to go back to my roots. That means I need to find a church for me and for Katelyn. A new start... that is what it is all about.

Inspired

2007-08-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

I have been inspired to start my own blog. It started with my friend Angi and I have been reading her blog daily for almost 2 years now -- it is great to be able to catch up and watch her kiddos grow despite living so far away. Then I have become an addict of sorts clicking from one blog to another and getting to know some of these people like I met them at the gym or something. And I have been too shy to leave a comment, although I have really wanted to. Most recently I have been following the life of Rach D, Brien and Lily since her beautiful little Hannah's accident -- they live in Williamsburg, which is close to my heart since my sister and her family live there. And little Lily is just a few months older than my little Katelyn. So many nights I have wanted to send my thoughts and prayers, but no words seemed to capture my true feelings. Then, of course, tonight I was inspired by this:

Just look at that face. True creativity at work. So, I decided there is no time like the present. And now I won't feel like a snoop since I am opening my life to be read by others.

Today was my first day as a SAHM. At least for the next month or two while I am waiting for my medical license to be approved. Who knew that it would be this hard, particularly after surviving pre-med, the MCAT, medical school, USMLE step 1, 2 and 3 and residency. At least I have a job once I have the license. And I can't say that I am not a little excited about the prospect of spending so much alone time with my daughter. Particularly since "Nana" (my mom, who has been with us for the bigger part of the last 15 months as our nanny) is moving back to Michigan. I am also a little nervous. I hope I am able to balance motherhood, work and a small personal life (finding new friends and maybe even dating). For the years I was married the thing that I sacrificed was myself, and in the end I lost everything. I know now that a happy momma makes a happy baby and I try not to feel guilty about taking time for me. But that was when I could leave her with her Nana. Now I have to find a baby-sitter. It sounds easy enough. But someone with whom I can entrust the love of my life... now that is the challenge.

I hope that I don't bore anyone with my idol chatter. While I enjoy writing, I do not pretend to be a writer. And my creativity has been dampened by all those years of having to come up with the "correct answer." So, bear with me as I rediscover my creative side and am slowly reintroduced to my former self.